Got Accepted

More than a week after I sent my application to SMV Matang for a fashion course, I got accepted. They called my mum yesterday an told her that I'm in.

I really wish I got the call myself 'cos up 'till now I don't really believe it. But really, I don't want to stay in a hostel. For one, I like school but not school 24/7 and second, I don't want to be so far away from him.

I'm feeling a little down but I'll be going for something I've always wanted; learn fashion. I thought about it and I realised that maybe going there would be a good thing. I mean, going for this fashion thing could ensure my long-term goal. I guess I didn't want this 'cos I'm afraid of losing my short-term personal goals. Afraid that I'll be too far away from him, I guess.

Looks like I need to suck it up and "woman" up. I'm totally gonna get through this. Yeah =D

Best "Lover" Friend

Before I started dating Harrison, I always wanted to be friends with him but somehow, I couldn't. I've always had this attraction to him but not the romantic kind of attraction. It was just the feeling to want to get to know him and hang out like friends. And I even thought of him as a lovable older brother. But I didn't make it a goal to make a bondage with him.
Instead, I tried to make him my best friend after we dated. It was my first time being in a relationship with someone and it was awkward. So, to ease the situation I treated like I would treat a best friend. For awhile, it was and nice and less awkward.
But things didn't go so smoothly afterwards. I got annoyed and irritated when his friends were always around him or calling out to him non-stop when we would walk back together after school. I was like "What the hell?". Before we dated, he was always left alone and then after we dated, they all raid into his space before I could get to him.
Tired of the situation, I stopped acting like a girlfriend and acted like a best friend. It just seem easier to be that way. And...it has.

House Arrest

I'm not REALLY under house arrest, I'm just being hyperbolic with my situation which would be agoraphobia. It means fear of open or crowded places and sometimes it means fear of leaving a safe place.
I'm sort of agoraphobic. I haven't really left my own house without anyone watching or leaving inside a vehicle. The last time I did I was scared to death. I guess I've been inside for far too long; two years maybe. Well, that's teenage transformation; you change from a cheery, silly little kid to an emo,  alienating teen.
'Guess it was that anger and jealousy that was building up inside me. But I've only been inside for so long because of the first two years of my secondary school years; staying home in the morning and going to school at noon 'till dusk. You kinda get a lot lazy in the morning, especially for the ones who sleep in like me.
Besides that, I thought of myself for being in house arrest because my mum always counts on me to do chores. Since we didn't have any schedule of turns to do chores, I was the hard labour victim. But this year, my brother is the one doing all the work because he's getting paid.

Sent my Application!

I just realised that today was the last day for me to send my application for a vocational school. And I totally did. I actually planned to send my application a the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into fashion. Also, I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave my boyfriend alone in Kuching.
Well, the important thing is I sent it. There's no guarantee that I'll get in or not but, there's no harm in trying. Makes me realize that life can be a bit of a gamble. You put your money on the table and let fate or luck do the work. Kinda like love. Take chances on new things and hope that you get what you're hoping for.
And what I'm hoping for is...nothing. I'm doing it because I'm doing it.
However, I'll miss him and some old friends, too. Kinda breaks my heart when I think about it.

Shayne Ward - Until You...

Baby life was good to me but you just made it better.

It feels like nobody ever knew me until you knew me,
Feels like nobody ever loved me until you loved me,
Feels like nobody ever touched me until you touched me.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://www.formspring.me/remmy357nikki

Breaking Benjamin - Forever

i miss you, babe

Dear my Baby,

This is your Ayang speaking to you. I hope you aren't arguing with your family and injuring yourself again. If you are, I'm going to pull your ear 'till it's red =P
All I want to say is that I miss you every second of every day. Even for 5 minutes, I can't keep myself away from my phone hoping that I'll find your text. I desperately miss you!
I know you would tell me to look at the pictures of us together and all the old texts you sent. But they're not enough to fill the void in my heart where you belong. Those texts and pictures are nothing compared to you. With you, I can laugh and I can smile, even when I'm not talking to you.
You are the shelter I seek when I am afraid. The light at the end of tunnel when I am lost. And you are the lover I seek. You are everything to me and I hope I am everything you.

My love for you is forever.

Yours,   

Ayang

Lemon Tea and Punk Music

I am so bored right now but I'm totally relaxed. I'm actually drinking hot tea with one lemon slice while listening to The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin.
Not a bad mix for some RnR but that's me.

Cyber Stalker/Spy

I might try to be a normal person and whatever but, I kinda spy people online. I'm not obsessive about it. I just want to know about someone but I don't feel okay talking to them. It's not like they're gonna talk me anyway. No one ever does.
There are actually some people that I've already followed from my Blogger. I'm not much of a Twitter person anyway. But honestly, I see they're blogs look really cool and I wanna make mine like that but I like to be discreet. As my horoscope says, I'm a mysterious and discreet person but my name says I am healer of the universe. The irony of it.
"In a nutshell", I "cyber spy" someone just to know about them because I'm the not socialite of the school. Also, it gives my inspiration and creativity looking at each unique blog template.
I'm an odd person.

please love me

it's hard for me to believe that my boyfriend really does love me for who i am. i think that because i see that he's never concern about how i feel with whatever between us that's bothering me and he doesn't consider the fact that were taking this relationship too fast. knowing all that now, i think he only wants me because he just wants to get married so bad and maybe he doesn't want to lose the only person who truly loves and cares about him, someone who really understands him.
maybe i am that girl but that doesn't mean that i want what he wants. even though he is the only person that i would ever love so much, it doesn't mean that i would think of marriage so soon. i mean, he is that perfect i've been looking and as much as i want to marry him, i can't and won't. I can't because i'm too young and i won't because i'm afraid he would leave me or i would leave him because what he'll give wouldn't be enough.
i wish i could break up with him and then get back together when i'm really ready for it. I guess right now, i'm not.

Nyan Cat : It's FUNNY!

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

I'm lonely

I feel so lonely. I really want to spend time with my friends but it just sounds like a bad idea. And when I want to be with my boyfriend, it's either I get into trouble for seeing him or he can't see me at all. Also, we kind of lost topics to talk about, both my friends and boyfriend.
I actually didn't like it when Charlotte sort of ignored me for her sister when we went out to watch Breaking Dawn. For Arine, I wanted to go out bowling with her when she's back in Kuching but I think it'll be better if I don't. It sounds better for her to be with Lorenzo instead of me. And Harrison, there's really no hope anymore. I used to be annoyed but not hate his obsessive, spontaneous and crazy self but now I miss all that.
This time, I'm annoyed AND hate with this rock statue that I'm always spending time with and... I just want to cry when I think about him that way. I just want run away!

say 'I Do'

Ever since I was 8 years old, I watched romantic movies on TV about someone who goes to new places or even met someone they hardly know, then suddenly falls in love and got married or even almost got married. These movies give me confidence that one day I will find true love and get my own love story.
7 years later, I am head over heels with a sweet and loving guy who also, for the first time, feels the same for me. He's unexpected, smart, funny, charming and romantic like the male characters in romantic movies.
I thought, this could be the start of my first love story. But what I didn't count on was when he repeatedly proposed to me. Naturally, I would say 'yes' but...I didn't. The thoughts that went in my mind, 'was this going to be my only love story', 'do I really, genuinely love him' and 'do I even want to get married'.
I wish I knew what to do and what to feel.

Sunburn

Good gosh, I just got horribly sunburnt today! That's what you get when you go swimming for five hours. But it's still nice 'cos for the first time in years, I've gone swimming. Although, I hate the sunburn I got. All the parts of my body, like my thighs, back and boobs, that was still pale white turned red. My swimming suit made a pattern on my body. It's like I went tanning!

Bad Feelings

I've always imagined myself being cheated on after a long-term relationship. Sometimes I would see myself being the one who is cheating.
It hurts when I imagine him cheating on me with someone else but I don't know why I kept the image going. It's like I want it to be real. And when I see myself cheating with some guy, I feel no guilt. In my thoughts, I know I have someone already but the actions I see myself doing is without guilt.
Sometimes I do feel like I want to be cheated on; to have my heart broken by someone who promised and swear that he would never do.

Movie and a Friend

Breaking Dawn was awesome! But I want to watch it again, only this time I'm going with Charlotte and her little sister. I need a girl time watching that movie. That way I'll focus more on the movie than the person I'm watching it with. Like the time I went with Harrison, I kept staring at him. Also, I didn't enjoy my last moments of the movie very well that time. I got upset when Harrison was making fun of the sad and scary part of the movie. He was being so insensitive that time. That is why I'm going with a friend so we could talk about the movie after we watch it.
Talk about being insensitive; Harrison was not sensitive about it at all. Just really sensitive when something upsets him in his own way.

Breaking Dawn

OMG! Today the new Twilight movie is coming out AND I will be out on a date to watch it. Hmm...I do want to go with my friends but this would the first time for me to be out on a movie date with him. I'm having doubts that he would like it and might have a bad time. He is the big macho guy and he probably doesn't like watching Twilight. Whatever it is, I'm still gonna enjoy myself.
But then again, I don't want my friends to be left out. I guess I can go tomorrow or on Saturday with my friends. At least we'll spend some time before some of us won't see each other again. Hehe..Best Friend's Forever.

Turning 15

It isn't really my birthday today. Yesterday was my birthday, actually. I was kinda unsatisfied this year on my birthday. Not that I was ungrateful or anything but I just felt lonely, y'know. I thought I wanted to go and cut my hair but I didn't have any money and I couldn't possibly ask from my mum. My parents don't care for anything insignificant as a birthday, unless if it's their birthday. I totally wanted to hang out with Charlotte like I always do on my birthday but I didn't have any credit to text her.
While Charlotte spent a normal day with friends and swimming, I spent my birthday crying in my room while left at home alone. I really thought of highlighting my hair green, add an extra piercing on my ear and maybe pierce my lip. I wanted to show of some rebellion. But all of that didn't happen.
Y'know, I'm glad Charlotte had a great time while I was crying. I just remembered that when I'm happy, others are miserable. But when I'm miserable, others are happy. That's kinda been my philosophy ever since I noticed it. I'm not glad when I'm miserable but glad others had a good time. That doesn't count my parents. If I'm miserable as hell, I'm dragging them with me.

BFF's Dilemma

Just yesterday, I found out Charlotte is going to break up with her boyfriend, Carl or Trevor (we don't know his real name). She says there's no use of being boyfriend and girlfriend if the can't see each other. They both agreed on it and decided to break up but the guy doesn't seem to be ready. So, now I'm not sure if they already are.
Y'know, that guy doesn't have deactivate his FB account. I mean, how else is she going to talk to him? The only number she got was his mum's number. I guess they could connect through a mutual friend like Nadiya but misunderstanding could happen. I really want them to get back together so I thought of inviting both of them to a barbecue party I'm going to,  just so they could spend some time together ad work things out.
The problem is, Carl -or Trevor- is in Singapore and Charlotte probably has no way of contacting him. That is so sad. I hope he gets some time off from working around Christmas so he could REALLY spend some time with her. That would so sweet and so awesome.

Desperate or Over-excited? II

Continuing from the previous post. I did ask Harrison about the almost-getting-engaged thing, through text and he admitted that it was true. However, his story connecting to her changes a lot, especially the one about him going to Bitangor but I'm not going to talk about that. So, he said it was true, it happened because his parents asked for it and the"engagement" was a bust because his ex's family didn't like his family's position. Now, he's grateful that it didn't went well because he got to meet the girl of his dreams; me =D
The whole thing still bugged me yesterday when I texted him and thinking back about it, I asked him why did he propose to me right after we got together. His answer, he was over excited and he couldn't think of anything else. You can't really blame him for that. Only now I knew that he had a crush on for me for a long time before having the guts to "communicate" with me.
Still, I want to know if he was just desperate or over-excited.

Desperate or Over-excited? I

About two weeks ago, I was hanging out with my not single gal pals at school and we were complaining and telling each other about our boyfriends. So the three of us were just saying how cute and sweet and sometimes how annoying and irritating our boyfriends can be. Until, Charlotte told me Harrison almost got engaged(in marriage) with his ex before me. That he once took a bus from Kuching to Bintangor to, I assume, propose to her.
At first, I didn't believe it but Charlotte has never been wrong about things she's told me and he is the kind of guy who would do stuff like this. The whole thing bugged me a lot and I so badly wanted to ask Harrison about it. But I didn't ask him straight away. Instead, I let it out to Arine and she concludes that he is desperate to find love and that he is the desperate kind of guy. I guess it is true, he is the over-desperate kind of guy. Another proof of his love desperation would be from Worried on Relationship.

School's Out !!

I'm a day late but it's never too late. School is totally out! A month and a half of freedom!! I know I'm suppose to be excited but I'm totally not. I do need a break from all the studying, homework and tests but school is where I meet my friends and be away from my family. It's that safe place I go to when I have a bad night with my family. A place where not one image of them are present.
Well, I got a whole month and a half to be lazy and do nothing. Just wish I had the resources to do something, like friends and money. Friends; so I could have someone to do stuff with and money; to get whatever or wherever I need for the activity. Who knew school holidays would be boring. Whateves...

Dream Vacation 2013

I know I hate Selina Gomez yet I still watched Monte Carlo. Well, it's boring when there's only five of you in school. So, us girls watched Monte Carlo. About a girl who had just finished school and wanted to travel to Paris, France for a dream vacation. Then I thought, Why not I do my own dream vacation and take some of my gal pals with me? Total genius idea!
However, I don't know where to go and who to bring. But I do know I need to save up some money for that vacation trip. At first, I thought maybe Italy and all those European countries but they're all too expensive. Prague, maybe since it's the most gothic city. Or so I heard. It's not definite but I'm really hoping for this vacation trip. Hmm...what would he think of this? He might try to stop me like in the movie. I don't know. It's really my decision.

Missing Everyone

I'm gonna miss everyone. Especially the ones I was close to; Arine, Natasha and Avie. They're gonna be heading somewhere better for them. Some place worth the education they need. Well, things do turn out the way I predicted them. My friends all gone while I'm left to stay here. I never really did imagined myself as a famous and successful fashion designer. Though for everyone else, I imagined they would have the best time of their lives.
Seriously, these people were my whole world. I'd be nothing without them. It won't be easy finding "replacements" for them because I have never met anyone like them. I just wish we could reconnect again. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who doesn't look back on something that was way back in the past.

saying I Love You

'I Love You' is so hard to say. It is a simple phrase with three little words but it's a phrase that gives a huge meaning to someone. In my world, I have never heard or recall someone saying 'I Love You' to me, whether it's from any family member or friends. That's why it's really special to me when he says he loves me. It's not special when he says it ALL THE TIME!
What I hate the most is when I feel like he's saying it just to end our conversation on text. Most of the time, he's just saying it because he thinks he should. I get so annoyed, y'know. I like it when he sends it every now and then but it's just annoying when he sends it ALL THE TIME! Sometimes, I feel like he's the one who's more desperate for love, not me. I mean, I went online to look for guys but, him? He "proposed" some time after we got together! For God's sakes, man! Give me a few a years to get to know you. Then, pop the question. It's like marriage at first sight, not love at first sight.
What really makes me uncomfortable is when he expects me to say it. He's always just staring at me while he waits for the words to come out. He's always pressuring me to say it. I feel bad knowing I can't say it to him. But I feel worse when he's the one pressuring and expecting me to say it!

Unsatisfied

as if there was a time when humans are ever fully satisfied. satisfaction in life is never enough. they say love is enough but for me, it's not. other things like friends are worth more than that; it keeps me from feeling lonely. the problem of having a relationship is that we always, especially women, have the need to be with that someone until we forget everything else. sometimes, we would suffer for them.

in my situation, i feel like i want to shoot him in the head or push him in front of a moving car or even beat him to a pulp. if he doesn't like the way i think, then it's his problem for choosing a violent and emo partner. besides, he has his own flaws; cry baby. and that's even worse to put up with. he's lucky he has baby face when he cries.
 i hate it when i'm upset and he becomes more upset. and when i sulk, he cries. wtf?!?! you're suppose to comfort me for goodness sake, not the other way 'round. sometimes, i can't really handle any more of this and i just want to break up. but whenever he finds out, he threatens to kill himself or say i will never see him again. in my head i was like, don't be such a dumbass! all i want is to just forget this feeling, not erase you from my life.
if he ever threatens me again, he better be ready for a hand slap and a blow to the gut. i can't promise it won't happen. i just can't take the threats, the blame, the guilt and all the sympathy i've given him. i wish he would stop all his crap and tell me what's wrong! for me to be able to help him, he needs to tell me and not shut himself out.
I worry about him every second i'm awake 'til i get terrible headaches.

helpless..useless..worthless

it's one of those days when you feel so helpless when there was someone in need. especially when that someone is a person you care about the most. this helpless feeling always leads to us to feel useless because we were unable to do anything. then, there is that self-worthless feeling. when you think you can't help or do anything, you feel as if you are of no worth. i know that feeling, because i feel it almost everyday but sometimes not in this particular order. some days i feel helpless and other days i feel useless. but everyday, i feel worthless.
this is my circle of life. people come and go. leaving me without an honest word on their mouths. giving me days i haven't done enough. i always feel worthless. because everyone leaves me; at a corner, in a room and wandering hopelessly in my mind. for no reason whatsoever, everyone alienates me for being silent; the little weird girl with sad eyes.
the way others had treated me affects my way of thinking and emotions. i think of dark and gruesome things because the normal things in life are boring. i like black because it's different and everyone said i was different. i like being sad because my parents always gave me shattering hopes and dreams. being mean is just my way of showing that i'm not good for you. nice has never been enforced in my life positively. they tell you to do nice things but never show you how to do nice things.

Tears of...

Usually, I don't cry. Wether there's a sad or happy event. I could never get myself to really cry from an emotional effect. Normally I'd fake cry, except for all those times I cried because I was mad at my parents. I actually thought I was losing my empathy but now, I cry whenever I see a sad scene of a show or a very beautiful and romantic love scene.
My tears would well up and my heart would pound hard and slow. My thoughts would lead to him whenever I'm like this. It's like there's something to it. But of course, I did cry when I thought about my friends transferring to another school. Makes you feel lonely when you think about it. Your closest friends all gone.
I always thought about what I'd do without them. Other people found it hard to accept me but they didn't. I'm glad they're in my life and I'd totally be lost without them.

What I like about:

• Arine - she's tough, bold and cool to be with. Crazy, loving and loyal. Great friend to unleash your tomboy side.
• Natasha - she's crazy and funny. Totally open-minded and cool about everything. Totally positive and trustworthy.
• Avie - religious and likes music. Has awesome stories 'bout her life that makes me laugh and appreciate the things in life.

What the..?

I don't get it. Why are there lots of viewers searching for music love? Mostly they end up on my blog. Kinda makes me think my parents are stalking my online personal life. It's cool people can get to my blog and read it but paranoia is making me think my parents are reading. Not that I don't know. My sister already told me about it. Kinda lame that they would read a blog than talk to their daughter. Pathetic, actually.  I'm not happy that they read my blog but I'm more than glad they don't talk to me for no reason. It is totally RARE when they have a reason to talk to me. Oh yeah...I got it good.

Love this guy...=P

His voice always gives me goose bumps. It's so dreamy...

Thoughts...

Ever since my brain was released into the reality of the world, I've always been cautious about everyone's view of me; how I dress, how I acted and how I treated people. I didn't realize I struggled trying to fit in with other kids since I was in kindergarten. I always thought, People are just people but most important is there was me in this world. My parents never really taught any value of friendship, just gave advices I couldn't understand. Mostly advices about things that only matters to them most.
However, the effect of their upbringing of me was not "perfect". I actually came to be a wild, bitter, rude and psychopathic girl because of the way they raised me. They teach me useful things, yes but not much about values. They tell me straight to the point about these "values" which made it hard for me to understand. But mostly, they connect things to money issue. Money this, money that. They act as if they can't afford anything in their life.
News flash! My mom spends about hundreds on my brother's dyslexia tuition fee which didn't do as much good and other times she would spend on slimming product and services. My dad is another asshole. He likes his material items more than his family. He changed his car 4 times and ended up with a 22 year old Pajero that sucks. Sometimes, I'd see he would spend on hunting knives even when he doesn't hunt at all. He even tried to buy a RM200 police baton after he said we couldn't get any food because he doesn't have money.
Goddamit, if you guys never really liked each other and things didn't work out why the HELL did you even get married?!?!  I always asked myself this and wished I was born in another family. Instead, I try to raise myself in aspects of life values. So now, this who I am.

Desperation..

Why am I feeling SO desperate to have him near me??? It's only been three days! I can't believe I can't hold a few days without him. I feel so sick and sad and teary ;( My stomach is churning and I feel like I'm being gagged. Okay..I just half-vomited X( I really need him! I desperately need him!! However, he doesn't seem to care. He cares when I care about him and that was enough. Just not enough... I'm worried sick about him..! I think about him every second of the day. It's hard not to think about him.
I always try to find a way to get him off my mind. It worked when I'm with friends but it can't replace his company. At least, they're always around when he isn't =)

My Romantic Idiot

Most times when I wake up in the morning or before I go to bed, Harrison would always send these really really REALLY long texts. And sometimes he would send those kinds of texts at certain times of the day when he usually finishes reading my blog. But it's always when he really misses me.. These texts are always romantic and sweet and deep from his heart, but it makes me giggly and crazy and speechless! I always call him an idiot because he makes me feel this way XD He's always so romantic 'till I go nuts and speechless. I hate it when he makes me speechless..I don't always have anything to say when he does.
Though, I do like it when he makes me giggly and crazy. It only makes me love him more =)

PMR...Vocational...PMR

Omygosh..I had my BM paper earlier today. Paper 1 was okay but came Paper 2, I was close to panic. I studied only Form 1 and Form 2 novel but suddenly came Form 3 novel, which I didn't study. Thank God, I could answer the question. I made it simple ad easy.

I'm not really nervous or panicked about my other PMR papers. What I'm really worried about is whether I want to go to SMV Matang or stay at Gapor. Actually, my first choice would be at Matang because there's a course for fashion and dress-making, which I desperately want. But then, I heard SMV Kuching will be a Kolej Vokasional where I can get a diploma in the course I choose. And since the school is not too far away, I don't have to stay in a hostel, I can still see Harrison whenever, could easily continue piano class and I have Arine there with me since she already applied.

However, that particular Kolej Vokasional doesn't have fashion and dress-making like it should. I was REALLY hoping they would have a course in fashion and dress-making. I am really upset right now =( If I don't go to Matang for the fashion course, I'll lose my chance at realising my dream. But if I do go, I'm going to REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss Arine, Natasha, Avie, Charlotte and Abbie. Especially Harrison. I don't know whatI'd do without them.. It was hard for me to make friends and it was hard for me to not talk to Harrison for even a day.

How am I going to get through all this?? 

Undecided Future of A Woman

How does one follow a dream when she has many dreams? Or are those dreams just goals and interests in life? But aren't dreams goals and interests in life? Well, I don't know. I didn't decide what dreams, goals and interests means. All I know is I have them. What I need to know now is what to do with those dreams, goals and interests.
Hmm..when I think about, all I ever dreamed of is to find the love of my life, which seems like I already have. My interests, my interests are many but only because I'm curious about it. Wanting to know what they do, how they do it and finding the main cause why everyone likes it. However, my goals are still a blur. I know now that
I need goals to determine my future; what I'm going to do, who I want to be, where I want to live and with whom I want to live my life with.
All I know now is I want to go to SMV Matang so I could get a diploma in Fashion Designing, then pass all my piano exams so I could get a diploma in Music. After that, I just decided I want to go to University Malaya because they have a recreational arts center. There, I'll decide what I want to do; drama, music, visual arts or designing. Everything is still undecided. So now, I'll just focus on passing my PMR and be the smartass I've always been.

PMR wishlist

PMR is only two days away now. I haven't been studying much because I really hate studying on weekends. Though, I'm still confident that I'll get my target grades. 5A's and 2B's. I'm hoping to get A's in my English, BM, Science, Math and KHB paper while B's in Sejarah and Geo. But if I got straight A's, then I wouldn't mind. I'd be leaping sky high. To be honest, I wanted these A's because I want all the stuff I get as rewards. So, here's a wishlist of those stuff:

1. A MacBook.
2. A Canon EOS DSLR camera
3. An electric guitar
4. A violin

There are only four because I can totally predict it. My mom already told me she'd get me a MacBook, I'd ask for the camera from my dad if he asked what I wanted, the electric guitar will be from my Uncle Pik and the violin will be from the money I'll get from the Yayasan Sarawak and the school's PIBG. Simple as that.
I wonder who else has a wishlist like this? Probably has more cool and exciting ones than mine.

DanceParty!!

So, my class have some extra cash in our class budget. We were thinking of making a class party but everyone sort of complains about location and extra money. I think they are so fussy and I think that 'party' would be boring because it's just between ourselves.But when I saw our after PMR agenda, we have a Graduation Day, which I didn't know Form 3 would have. Then I thought, Why not have a Form 3 dance rather than make a small class party. We could have a dance after the Graduation Day at night. Enjoy one more night together before most of us will go to other schools.

Have our own entertainment, pump up some crazy club music, dance to the freaky beats, mingle and enjoy the food. Everybody has got to agree to this! I mean, what's more fun that a 'club' themed party? I know every minor wants to know what it feels like. So why not, do it amongst people our own age? I think it's totally LEGAL.  But to make this work, we need cooperation with the other classes. So, any class with class money or classes that agree to pay some extra could have it. We can't pay for all ten classes and have only half the Form 3 to come. Total wastage. So anyone who wants to come, please cooperate. I'm so sure the party would be a thriller if everyone cooperates.

That's so cute..

Peek-a-boo, I see you :3

Snuggle-wuggle

I <3 my teddy =D

Hello World!

Look to the Future

What am I going to do? Before everything, all I wanted was to be the greatest fashion designer ever. I wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do or have anyone standing in my way. But now, considering the fact that I have a boyfriend makes me have second thoughts. Before him, my thoughts were usually on my friends. Wether we'll get to spend the rest of our school years together or not. I was so afraid I'd be left alone at the same school while my closest friends move somewhere else. Afraid that everyone wouldn't accept me like they did. After a while, I did think of going to a different school, too. I was glad at first, but then came along that one perfect guy. The guy I won't ever consider to stay away from. Because of him, the decision is getting harder by the day. I was always waiting for some kind of 'thing' that would make me stay at where I am just so I could be with him. At one point there was and it made happy I could be with him more. And then I thought, I can't depend on this guy forever. I'm a strong, independent woman and I have dreams that I want to realize. I can't devote my entire life to him. Just love him =D Well, I haven't fully decided yet but my thoughts are still on going to another school. I just hope that everything will work out well.

Nothin' to do with you

Just so my parents know, Harrison was never a problem. They made it into a problem. If only they had just butt out of my personal business then they wouldn't see it as a problem. Like, f*ck off!! He isn't a problem. I would've asked him to help me with school stuff but how could I?? You keep complaining about him which makes me feel uncomfortable talking to him. You make me feel like I'm gonna face a death sentence for every word I say to him. Why can't you guys just leave me alone? The wrong you did while raising me can't be reversed. I'm stubborn and I change for no one.

Shout to Daddy

**FUCK OFF**

Yeah... Fuck off, Dad! If you're not proud of me, don't try to. And don't even try to point fingers at who should be more shameful. If people had to choose between you or me, I bet yours would be the "winner". Y'know why? For one, you have three kids who needed you but you got so busy trying to take care of someone else's kid. Second, you're married and yet you keep a mistress and you even showed her off in front of your own family. And third, you gave me all the advice you had but not follow them yourself. That's why I don't listen to much of your advices. Also because you give crappy advice and it was as if you never supported my interests and dreams. You tell me I could do the things I couldn't do but not the things I loved to do.

You're the crappiest dad in the world... Don't get mad at me for saying all this. Look in the mirror and admit your mistakes before you tear me to pieces. The more you get mad and shout at me, the more you're making me hate you. You keep saying it's hopeless to try and talk to me. Well, you just didn't know how and I know you LOVED giving up on me. 

Wish You Were Here...

Die and Live Another Day

I feel..SO frustrated! I mean, these past few months has been all about him. I can't get him out of my head! At first, it was nice to always think about him because he happened to be "the love of my life" but now, he's like a pest constantly floating in my head. I have a huge guilt, y'know. Like when I tell him about something that makes me upset, he's the one who gets extra upset and respond as if I was the bad guy! C'mon man, you're suppose to comfort me!! Not me comfort you!
I really feel like I just want to cry and scream at him. I'm actually crying right now :'( Whenever I'm near him, I just want to CRY! I want to cry because all this time, it's as if I'm forbidden to cry in front of him. I'm always afraid that he will upset me more because I always know that he will find a way to just put some blame on me. He just doesn't realise he's making me more upset.
It's really hard to try and talk to him. I don't think we've had a real conversation in a while. He doesn't talk to me like he used to. I missed those times, and now...it's all gone. Everything is GONE...even the love I've had for him. It hurts me when I had to tell him 'I love You' when I'm really crying my tears out saying those three little words.
PS I cried my heart out typing this. I hope you'rereading, Harrison :(

One week...

One week and ton of fun stuff to do. However, I've already wasted 2 days with video games and TV. Not your typical girl's day but that's me. I intend on skateboarding, painting my nails black, play guitar and go shopping but these include personal me time and some $cha-ching$.
What's worse is my Baby bunny is working for the week. I'm not sure if he meant working temporarily or really working kind of working. I am so worried about him because he works 'till late at night and sometimes he's left alone at where he works. I think worrying about not seeing him for the week is less important than worrying that he might get mugged during the night or get run over by a car when he's trying to cross the street.
I just miss him so badly! We haven't been okay since I suddenly freaked out three Tuesdays ago. It just didn't feel the same anymore. Now all I wanna do is make it up to him, somehow.

Love is all I know..

Dream Taker

*Ring

What does it mean when someone suddenly gives you a ring and puts it on your ring finger? It's not super-special; just a simple, plain ring. Thought, it was just a test ring. Y'know, just to see what ring size I use. I wonder what it means?

yea..:DD

Yeayer!! It's da holidays!!  Unfortunately, my ass and I are gonna sit and do nothing. I am cursed to stay at home to study for PMR right after the school-free week. Well, IF I study. When I'm not, I guess it's all guitar, keyboard and singing! YEA!!!
Wanna do lots of stuff but which first? And how to get some cash?? If I'm with Charlotte, we might be  goin' (my favorite hobby) SHOPPING!!! ...but I got no $$... A cheap activity would be dating with my Baby bunny but..he's not entirely free for the whole week. Damn, everything sucks!
Wish I had something fun to do...

:'(

I am so frustrated! I really can't believe I didn't get an A in my English paper... Never had I ever got anything than an A in that subject. It's my profession! English is the only one thing that I'm best at in class. I feel so horrible..
I guess I've been over-confident with myself. It's so stupid; just because I studied Maths right, I thought I could get through all the other subject well. Just wish I studied right. However my Maths were almost an A. It's just that I wrongly crossed the wrong answer. Careless mistake.
The only subjects that were almost an A were my Maths and KHB: PK. My English and BM are getting more worse. Geography, Science and Sejarah are just the same. All still above 50 marks. I have't got my Science paper but I predict my over-all result would be 4B's 3C's..
Oh dammit...

Today my life begins...

love's destiny

My Baby & Me

Thinking back about us, maybe our hearts have crossed before but we never really noticed it then.

I remember the first time I saw him, I felt...real love. However, I never really gave a damn 'cos I still had a crush on this one guy. But because he was so popular and well-liked, I had an interest in him.
I remember that I always, ALWAYS scolded him when we suddenly didn't have any KK activity just because he didn't want to. Getting angry was the only way I could connect with guys :P
I also remember he tried to be nice and goof around with me. But I was so serious, I got mad at him. Because he was so lovable, I only thought of him as a big brother but I always did fantasize us being together; sitting together, holding hands.

About two weeks before our PKBM camp at school, he has for the first time noticed me. And he fell in love  with me. During the camp, I had a strong feeling to approach him. To talk to him or something. I didn't know what that feeling was. My eyes were all on him, even though there was a hot guy there.
The week after that is when we got to know each other then got together.

Is this love really destined by God? Did God really made us soul-mates?

~Friend~ or ?Boyfriend?

I feel a lot of confusion and self-conflict right now.

I'm not really the kind of person who can give the same amount of attention to many people.

I always focus on one person and make them the most closest and dearest thing to me.

Before, my friends were the most important thing to me and nothing else matters.

Now, all my focus and attention is on my boyfriend.

I feel so ashamed and stupid that I've ignored my friends just so I could be with him.

Recently, I haven't talked with them much.

I guess, it's because I'm scared.

Scared they'll ignore, the same way I had ignored them.

What can I do to make it up to them?

I want to apologise but what is there to apologise for?

Talking to them wouldn't do much good.

Talking only makes it uneasy for me.

To be honest, I've been friends with them for the longest time possible.

But it doesn't mean that I feel so perfectly used to it.

I mean, I create a personal boundary for them.

And I keep to the limit that I've already set.

I guess, I'm scared that they would feel uneasy with me if I went over the bounds.

Every time I tried to pass those bounds.

The fear of being abandoned would come.

What can I do to change to it?

A note the ones I cherish most : I'm sorry for not being able to share the same amount of attention. I'm sorry for not being able treat each one of you well. I'm sorry for being the most horrible person in your life. I love you guys like treasured gold. I'll try to be more fair with everyone. Am I forgiven?

Falling Apart From You

I totally can't believe I freaked and gone whack! Kind of the same thing that happened a few months ago. When I went crazy maniac because of the cold rain. This time, I went ALMOST crazy because I felt abandoned by him. I felt so much emptiness ever since he came into my life. The emptiness for a close-friend relationship, not a gf/bf relationship. I just want my friends back. No matter how hard I try to talk to them I feel like there's a chain holding me back, and it's him. I just want my friends back but it'll cost him. Should I sacrifice him to get my friends back? I wish the answer was as easy as that.
I'd like to say yes, but I know he would do something reckless and stupid. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something horrible happened to him. I hate him but I also love him. If I ever said this to him, all he would think is 'She doesn't love me any more'. It's not hate or love,  just no more love. How can I make the message clear to him? What I'm trying to say is I love him so much with all my heart but I hate that our relationship broke that love. If possible, I want to break up with him but still stay with him. Stay close by his side. Its weird that I want to kiss him, hug him and hold his hand without being called his girlfriend. This relationship's commitment is making me scared.

What does BVB mean to me

Friend Dilemma II - Failing or Just Waiting

Comin' back to these two friends/strangers. It seems that this girl seriously tossed him like trash. Looks like she has no concern towards how he feels and if he's okay. I mean, he was sick because he was hurt emotionally, mentally and physically.When I told her'bout it she just responded as if it was some petty thing. This makes me feel so mad. What makes me furious is when she's gone back to her "groupies" that she didn't like. She complained all the time 'bout those guys the whole time she was with them but after he told her about how he feels, she turns a blind eye on us. Especially me! I'm really trying to help these two get back together as friends. It's kinda my fault they're like this. Now, I just wanna help. There's been a lot of friendship wrecks since I've been with them.
However, it's such a relief that he's getting stronger trying to forget her. Even when he knew she already has a boyfriend. My only advice to him now is just treat her like before. No need to try to apologise since she doesn't wanna listen, no need to depress since it's not healthy and no need to think about it since she doesn't have the littlest concern for him now. I don't want him to suffer her torment. My only advise to her is to just forget everything and be friends with him again. Don't be such a bitch la..sorry because I called you that but seriously, believe it!

Friend Dilemma I - Success in Progress

It seems there's been some progress between my girl and her online boy. Just earlier, she told that they commented on one of his status. It looked like a group conversation about hugging and cats. That was weird. However, it was so cute that when he said he would hug her if she was cold. Making it cheeky, he said if they were shirtless and hugging they'd feel warmer. OMGOSH!
Besides that, I think he really, REALLY likes her because he said about meeting her and taking her out for a date. Type of date: a walk in the park during the school holiday. It seemed so obvious that he wants to take her out since he asked when is the next school holiday. Boys are so like that. But I still think he's sweet since he's so nice and considerate about her. I mean, he treats her like no other guy has. Well, he's the first guy, besides her brother, to treat her in anyway that's so sweet.
I am so hoping they would turn out great. All my wishes to the happy "couple"=D

Friend Dilemma II

This case comes differently. A one week friendship turn awkward crush case between a sensible, good-natured guy and an almost-psycho-maniac, funny girl. Ironic, the guy likes the girl. Well, she's not so psycho; just laughs like crazy sometimes.
About a week ago, they became close after the guy wasn't friends with this other girl who he's always been close to. I really sensed some to-be-couple but turns out only the guy likes her. The girl, not so much. Her excuse, she doesn't feel right with her friend having a crush on her. So, I was wondering if she could explain how she's able to still be friends with her other guy friends who have a crushes on her. Now, the guy is mentally and emotionally hurt that he didn't went to school. All because she dropped him like trash. As if he was disposable.
I told him not to tell her his feelings but I couldn't stop anything. His mistake was that he texted her. Now, the situation comes to this; she's ignoring him and he's feeling moody and left out. He's trying to apologise to her and ask if they could be friends again but all she's doing is running from everything. I feel so disappointed and hurt. Why can't she just accept his apology and stop being such an ass to just for once take the situation seriously. Honestly, she's the one who's hurt his feelings.

Friend Dilemma I

Call it an online relationship between these two. Even though they're not really in a relationship but I can feel some cyber sparks between them.
My girl friend has been Facebook-ing with this high-class, rich dude online. I call him a modelling lawyer-doctor since he's part-time model, has finished medical studies and going for a degree in law. That's a lot for a guy who's only 18. Anyway, he's been nice to her and calls her wifey and stuff. I thought it was sweet. Especially when he always called her cute and nice. Even mentioned about meeting her if he could.
However, this piece of shit suddenly falls for another girl just because of her enormous, plastic boobs. Those things bounce like water balloons. Just as my friend and this guy were commenting, this bitch suddenly comes in and catches his eye. Then says he's in love with this bitch but likes my friend. Dude! What's with your mental state?! I can't believe this guy even has a wife list. Now, he's making crap about that balloon-boob bitch.
I feel so hurt that this guy drops my friend like garbage. If I ever had a chance to meet him, I'd beat the life outta him. I'm so pissed right now.

If you were going to get a tattoo, what tattoo would you get?

a mix of flames with a skull and a thorny rose. yea man \m/

Ask me anything

Once Upon A Time A Canadian Boy Started A Youtube a Account... With No Idea What The Future Held For Him. Do you like him?

if its Justin Bieber you're talking about then, yes, i did but now i don't

Ask me anything

Do you ever feel like everything in your life is so great it scares you because you think something will happen to ruin it?

well, everything doesn't always go perfectly

Ask me anything

how do you think people will survive w/o love ?

they won't survive at all

Ask me anything

booo emo ! spit on the emo's face ! agree !?

fuck in hell whoever agrees with this

Ask me anything

Did you gave your mom a present? :)

i stopped giving any my family presents

Ask me anything

If you were going to get a tattoo, what tattoo would you get?

a mix of a sword, flames, a rose and snake on my back

Ask me anything

Walk in the moonlight...

After the PKBM dinner, we all hung around the area just to relax a little. Most of went to a cyber cafe  called Cozee but Arine, Harrison and I just walked around the place. Y'know,  just to get some of that cold night air. It's really a first time out in the night for me and Arine. It's actually really fun just walking in the night. After half a round of the entire place we stopped in front of the Green Gallery which was closed. Arine's ride was already there and she went home. Me? I decided to walk.
A real good excuse to have a bonus time with my Baby Harrison. We walked and walked and walked until we arrived at this one area where his ex, who happens to be Jo, lived. I thought we'd walk through there but he didn't want to. I asked what the problem was and he cried when he wanted to mention her. When I pushed him further to tell me his problem I didn't realize I was sending him on an emotional turmoil. He kept crying so hard I felt the pain he felt.
We continued to walk. I kept quiet the whole time. He asked what was wrong but I told him he'd feel more upset if I said what I wanted to say. So when we were at a little, lit park we sat on a bench and started to talk. We talked heart-to-heart but he made funny faces which to me means that he's hiding something. I told him I didn't like that 'cos when we were just to have one of those intimate moments he always ruins it. I hate that! I want him to be serious about his feelings and not fooling around just because he doesn't wanna see me sad. FYI, I'm sad when you're not serious about it. So we talked it over and went home. My night didn't end the way I wanted it to. I'm still a little disappointed about and there is no upside to it.

PKBM Dinner

If people thought it was some formal dinner, then you thought wrong because 10 of us who went for the perkhemahan had steamboat. I for one actually hate steamboat but I went because it wasn't a steamboat dinner with my family. Surprisingly, the guys were better cook than the girls. Well, now it doesn't seem so surprising since us girls were all tomboys and never took ERT. Our hot pots were much messier and disorganized than the guys'. It didn't take us long to cook, then eat but the guys spent the whole time cooking while eating. I don't get how men can eat so much. Still, it was fun. Cikgu Jessing was supposed to be around and if not, Cikgu Nazlin but fortunately they weren't around. Cuz we had a blast just being left alone there with no adults, unless if you can call Affieq- our "retired" PKBM leader -an adult. He only came to check on us and give the money which Cikgu Jessing is paying for the dinner.
Most of our food was meat and it took a while to cook 'em. I guess that's why most of our food was a little burnt. Still, we enjoyed it because we had each other to hang with. Hahaha! I remember that Hazel, Mohd Noor and Aziz laughed the most. It made everyone stare at us as if we were crazy drunks. Well at least we were crazy from the fun and food, not because of some alcohol. I guess I can say Mohd Noor and Hazel laughed like a pontianak while Aziz laughed like an old lady who hasn't laughed in years. Even their laugh made the rest of us laugh.

Super Awesome Amazing Boyfriend

The week before I flew to Selangor with 9 other PKBM (U) members, I just found out how athletic and cool Harrison is. I never assumed him of being anything as energetic and free-spirited as the day I saw him on the field with a javelin and running on the track, coming out first. There was a training session for Sport's Day participants and some teachers asked him to help with the javelin. And he always came out best. He was just so amazing! It makes me wanna scream thinking about it, like I'm dating a super-celebrity. Only now I know he is the best Catcher in our school softball team and he has a natural talent for sports. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm always over-excited when it comes to this!
Coming to be more super amazing is when he got first place for the best kawad kaki individual and second for fastest in setting up camp in the male category during our national level PKBM (U) camp. Bonus awesomeness is when EVERYONE in the camp knew him for being the best squad leader. He became instantly popular. Just as he was popular in school. OHMYGOSH I have a super-awesome-amazing boyfriend!
But sometimes I feel so beneath his level...like I'm not worthy of him. In terms of family backgrounds, I feel like I will never be able be in the same class as he is even though he comes from a poor background. And in terms of social lives, I feel like he's as high as heaven and I'm as low into the Earth's core. I feel so unworthy to be in his girlfriend...)=

Camp Out

Well, I haven't been able to blog about my life for almost a month. So the first thing I'm gonna blab about is my boring "military-based" camping trip to Gombak, Selangor. It's actually like a competition; how fast you set up a poncho, can you last a 2 kilometre run and can you read a map while leading several others through the jungle (palm tree jungle). It's really stressing me out that we have to participate in at least one of it and not to mention the compulsory kawad kaki. Worst is that this whole thing is national level and I'm still an amateur in everything.
I might say that the most difficult thing to do would be resisting the urge to meet my boyfriend, since he's coming to the camping trip as well. One more thing would be looking out for Arine since she's been having bad migraines and the need to vomit for the last two weeks. I'm really worried about her. Makes me think that she won't be able to handle the heat but yeah, she's still a tough gal. I'm the one who is soft-boned.

Overtime Lovey Dovey

It's not really a first time I've missed the bus but it is a first that I missed it because I waited for a boyfriend =P Though, I didn't mind 'cos he also missed his bus and we could walk back home together.  It was totally fun talking to him on my home even though he said he was really tired. Luckily, I got him to take a rest at a bus stop for a few minutes. Any longer and he would've passed out by the side walk. The bus stop was right in front of my street so I was a little bit moody 'cos I know he'll ask which way I'll use to get home. So when we got up and crossed the road I kept quiet and just led him to our usual 'dating' spot. I was so relieved that we decided to not go home yet. It was fun spending the longest 2 hours of our lives just sitting with each other.
The first hour and a half, we just sat there talking. We mostly talked about ourselves, what were gonna do later and after our big exams, what we like and what we did in school. And suddenly, we just kissed for what seem to be the longest half hour kiss. A little too much info; our tongues mostly moved inside our mouths. And while we kissed he would sometimes stroke my hair or my shoulder or even just hold around my waist. I even pulled his tie just so he would get closer to me and tried to unbutton his shirt but I didn't.
Despite of what we always do, he's still considerate enough to stop what we do. Harrison can be said as the good and bad kind of boyfriend.

GaGa shoot

OMG! I went to hitz.fm a few days ago and saw that hitz.fm and Universal Music is gonna give an all expense paid trip to party it out with Lady Gaga at a secret location. All we gotta do is take a pic with her Born This Way album and come up with a cool slogan to match. God, I want it and so does Lorenzo and Arine.
I totally have a visual of how I want the pic taken. Lorenzo inspired me with the motorcycle from the Judas music vid and the idea of the other Lady Gaga styles from previous albums. What I envision, one of us in The Fame style, another in The Fame Monster and the other in the Born This Way style. We'll just pose in front of the motorcycle in any horrificly Gaga way. I did think that maybe one of us was holding a cigarette and puffing on it but we don't smoke.
If someone asked where to get the motorcycle, well my dad has one but it doesn't run. I guess we could do the shoot but we don't have any outrageous costumes like Lady Gaga. =(

Mommy "Dearest"

Hate it so much! Why can't my mom  just relax and not care about anything for once in her old life. I mean, she's always so annoyed and irritated but because of herself. It's as if she's purposely stressed herself even when she doesn't like it. No human would do that unless if they're a total moron.
Everyday is just the same crazy maniac I don't really remember when or even believe my mom has ever acted like normal mom - or at least cool moms, anyway.
Whenever the house is a little messy, she'd start freaking out as if it's 2012 and gets mad at us about it. I don't understand why she couldn't just ignore it. I mean, she's not the one who cleans the mess, I am! Typical middle child to be the little 'housemaid'.
But seriously, I'm mad at my mom now because she caught me with G, twice! Talk about awkward and embarrassing, even if she did just saw us from afar. And she got mad at me because my dog got loose and accused me of prioritising him more than anything else. What's worse is that she said 'why don't you pack your stuff and live with him'. I feel hated already!
Ever since I was a kid I had a vision that probably by the age of 16, I'll get kicked out out of my house. Now, that vision seem to be becoming real.

Date in The Rain

I didn't really plan it but Harrison really wanted to see me so I told him to meet me at a field half an hour before I'm suppose to meet my friend. We kinda sat by the field and did and said nothing since we haven't see each other for a whole week and I had a mild flu. Then my friend came with nothing but a cigarette but she left after a little while to give us some privacy and I was grateful 'cos G can't stand cigarette smoke - health issues.

Still at the same place, we sat there for an hour without talking and emotionally "fighting" - referring to the situation in my post Ice-cream SOS. Finally we got over it when he explained that his dad didn't like that we were ALWAYS seeing each other, which we did. I was so relieved and apologised. Soon after that, it started raining. We started making our way to the park but stopped halfway underneath a tree. When it got heavier we ran to a bus stop in front of a school which was worse because we wasted the hours in the cold pouring rain.
When the rain settled a little, we again walked to the park and stopped at the playgrounds when it started to rain heavily again. All I can say is that I was mostly in the cold rain and we kissed a lot every time we stared into each others eyes or lean into each others face and there are some part where he would hold. :P

Ice-cream SOS

Yikes! I can't believe this! I'm overreacting and acting all depressed over a guy like all those weepy girls-in-love that I so hate.
I am eating ice-cream while depressing over my guy just because he didn't reply any of my messages. Well, I didn't really reply any of his messages but I had a good reason to do so. Yesterday he told me that we should act as if we don't know each other. I was like 'WHAT THE HELL?!' and he told me his dad didn't like that we were dating. C'mon man, the other you just said your dad was okay with the two of us this way! WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! I hate people who lie to me about the littlest things.
I feel like I wanna beat him senseless...'till his gut bleeds anyway. Just after he told me that, I was only playin' when I told him I'd have him stay overnight at my house and he thought it was real. Well, I just played along to make him happy but I felt wrong and guilty. I didn't text him after that.

Out of Boundaries?

Just earlier, I was with G like always. What we always do is just the same, everyday. We meet, talk, laugh and kiss at the end of the day. We don't go off 'the limit' when we kissed. But where is the limit?
Several nights ago, I dreamt I was doing some work on my desk and he came from behind and kissed my neck. A few days after that, he really kissed my neck. I thought he went over the limit but I just let him because it wasn't anything bad and I really liked it.
Just earlier, I met with him again and we did what we always do. We had a great time, even when it rained. Under the rain, we kissed. When we kissed, he put his arms around my shoulder and waist and I held onto him tight. It was long, unimaginable and...intimate.
The intimate part was when he suddenly ran his hand down my shirt. I was surprised at what he did but I didn't do anything about it. The longer we kissed, the lower his hand went down my back. Something in my head just really wanted it to go down to my bra fastener but he didn't do it. When it was over, he told me he didn't know why he suddenly did that. He was afraid that I was mad at him but I reassured that I wasn't.
When is over the limit really 'over the limit'?

Music Love

I don't know if I love music but I do love playing musical instruments.
This actually came from performing on stage for my last year prefect dinner. Singing Taylor Swift's song on a guitar really made me different. Like everything else, the guitar gave me the inspiration to take up music lessons. Music gave me the confidence to be out there and just show the person inside me.
I guess G has also inspired me to keep playing and sing. Now, I'm just filling my time with playing my keyboard and guitar. And sometimes just tryin' to play a different song from different genres. To avoid a boring career, I'm now trying my hardest and my best to be the best in music. But I'm still in progress of trying to make a song.

Sick and Tired

Ugh...sometimes I feel like an over-protective mother caring so much for Arine and G. But I'm only this way 'cos I love these two. The thing is, Arine and G are always not feeling well.
In class, Arine turns the ceiling fan off 'cos she can't stand the cold even if she does wear a sweater. Sometimes she gets a headache and I felt like it's my debt to her to be with her and talk about some stuff so she could release herself from her headache. It really helps her a lot when I'm around. I always remind her about her health and everything. Goes to show that I treasure her a lot.
G, on the other hand, is troubling himself about me. Normally we messaged each other every single day except that Sunday. He told me he did not sleep at all that night because he was too busy worrying himself that he might lose me since we got caught dating the Friday before. But it was my sister and she didn't tell my parents about us. This afternoon,  he told me that he waited 'till 3 am for my message and he felt like he was gonna pass out. And he did when he reached home.  I am so worried about him right now.
Being a best friend seems to be less hectic than being a someone's girlfriend. It's really worrying but it shows you care.

Kiss, Kiss

G is the one I now call the love of my life. It's been almost two weeks since we started dating but we kissed like crazy animals on the third time we went out.
It was a rainy day and we had nothing to do but hold in each other's arms. It was the first time I've ever had someone hold me tight like he did. Though I felt a little uncomfortable with him so close to me like that.
When the rain started to slow, he turned me around and put his arms around my waist. I just put my arms around his neck and started kissing him but it was fun. I told him I didn't like him holding me so tight around the waist. He let go of me, held my hand and I pulled him to kiss me.
His lips felt rough but also really wet. The guy really knows his lip action and I've learnt much from him. So much to say that his tongue did most of the action and he loved that I did the same. Whenever we kissed, my head always gives a visual of how the inside of our mouthes look like. That''s really weird...

Worried on Relationship

G is really - how should I put this? - tied up to me!
Last night, he mentioned the most horrifying thing to me; more or less, about marriage. I silently freaked myself out (and not in a good way, either). I'm 15, currently dating but with no dating experience. My guy knows it but doesn't take this relationship step by step, instead of doing just that he went over a few steps which normal couples would think about after 2 to 3 years of dating. However, it only took him 2 to 3 nights! I know that he's 17, being that now is his last year in school and he's gonna get a career after graduation and will be needing a girl in his life but seriously, I can't be that girl!! I am totally freaking out and couldn't breathe at some point.
I love it that he always says 'I love you' and 'I miss you' all the time but please lah, I need some space! I don't need you to text me from morning to night. I'm starting to get annoyed with this but I still pity him. I really do love him but I can't make any promises and neither should he. I want the both of us to just enjoy a non-married life after graduation. I don't want to be home, sittin' with the baby, envying my single friends at the clubs and waiting on my guy late at night when I'm 21. No, I wanna be wild and free and do whatever a non-married 21 year old would do.
I haven't told him this but I will tomorrow. I guess I'm also tellin' him I don't wanna get married at all. Let's see how things go from here...

Single? Nope...

A very quick update from my previous post, I am now in a relationship with G.
I was actually impatient that I didn't get any messages from him but I kept my cool 'cos I know he works part time after scfhool. When it was almost 6pm I messaged him 'cos I thought  maybe he finished work already and we could casually message. He only replied a couple of hours later. We first said usual stuff like how everything's going and he suddenly asked me to send one of my pic in Facebook to his profile. I freaked a little but to the fact that I don't know which pic to send. I don't want it to be too pretty or too bad so I sent a pic of me in a black hood dress.
After that, he asked if I was single and I sensed that he was gonna ask me to be his girl. I just played along and acted dumb. In the first few messages he was, in a way, mumbling the words out as if he was panicked and feeling uncertain. He was also afraid I might reject him but I've convinced him otherwise. Just like that, he asked me and I said yes straight away.
On that same night, we gave each other simple pet names; he calls me Ayang, I call him Baby. We were so goo goo ga ga over each other the whole night. Different details I'll have to mention another day.

Someone...

Lets forget every guy I've ever blogged about. I don't want to remove the posts about them but I just want them forgotten. Honestly speaking, I sound like a pathetic loser blogging about guys who aren't mine and never had so much more talked to them. But it's also because of another guy. I wanna let it out but I don't know if the situation suddenly changes. I don't wanna lie or hurt myself by overwhelming myself on some guy. Though I am in love with Cody Simpson's voice :P
I'd give this guy a nickname like the other guys but people know that name already. I'll just call him G, then.
On Monday and Tuesday, he's  sent me a lot of Facebook Message-via text. I don't really know him so well yet I just kept replying to him 'till my free RM15 credit finished. I did so 'cos I wanna socialize with him better just like I wanna socialize with others better. In those texts, he was so open and sweet I made giggles and had butterflies in my stomach. But that was 'cos he always called me 'my dear' and said 'sayang' to me. My heart leapt little.
When I told Arine and Natasha, Arine said he does like me and she knew by the way he looked at me. Natasha thinks it's possible 'cos he said 'my dear'and 'sayang' to me and asks me questions about myself. Actually, I had a felling he may have a crush on me last year but I ignored it 'cos I don't wanna be too prasan and it felt like it when he asked when my birthday is. No guy asks a girl -at that texting stage- when her birthday is. Now I'm just waiting for time set in...

Remembering Alejandro

*Alejandro
For the last several hours I've non-stop been thinking about him. I'm not sure how yet he's always in my head when I want to think back about when I went camping on Friday and Saturday.
When I opened my eyes, I just wanted to close them for a little while. Beneath my eyelids I saw him in my memory. It was so vivid and clear I thought he was really with me. Even now I can still remember the details of him I remembered this morning - he stood straight and steady in his usual half-uniform; dark blue pkbm tee, high-cut air force combat boots and air force trousers, his hands in his pockets like always, sharp stare and and cute, upset pout, curly mess-of-a-hair, long lashes.
If I were to remember him, I wouldn't remember him any other way but like this.
What I really love the most is when we exchanged opinions and thoughts from time to time, when sometimes he would stand beside me during kawad kaki and when he passed out some stuff and our fingers touched. I still remember those magical moments and senses, even though we don't know each other that well or even been called friends.
But because of that, I have these feelings towards him.

Alejandro

Before this, I used to have a crush on a guy I'd like to call Alejandro. The first time I saw him is when I was still a pengawas in Form 2 looking out for Block B and he was walking down the stairs with his shirt off, but has a singlet on - showing his hot muscles! I always drooled over those big, hot muscles and cute curly hair, even my friend did.

I once felt that he was fooling with my feelings when he always chats with me on Facebook and then just stops all the sudden. But, yeah, he was a playboy and that's how they are.

So now, I'm not really friends with him but we talked a little when PKBM held a camping program at school. I felt giddy inside when I'm near him but when I ALWAYS see him, I felt normal. No panicking, no overreacting, no anything, since I've gotten used to seeing him around. Although I still giggle inside when I see him smiling, laughing, talking to me and, even better, shirtless on a REALLY hot day.

Compared to other guys, he takes his shirt off the most. I don't know if it's also for showing off. Suddenly, I don't see him as just hot and sexy but he's also kinda nice and sweet and he has that cute face he makes when he looks upset. He pursed his lower lip making his chin stick out and his sharp stare only makes his eyelashes look longer. Aww....its soooooo cute! 

Big Black Boots

Yesterday, I saw the most gorgeous pair of boots ever! They were mid-length, no heel, two buckles and a side zip topped with laces. It looked almost like this but, yeah,with the buckles and a bit more bulky. I only wanted it 'cos it goes with the whole goth and emo look.
Sadly, I didn't get 'em 'cos my mom and sis wouldn't let me. Instead, I got a pair of black flip flops. At least they have skulls on them that reminds me of the boots.

This Sunday

My usual Sunday would be late morning wake ups and a nagging mom at my ear. Then, I get to church but in Sunday school 'cos this week the teens group are practising for the Easter Drama. I would say another day that sucks...
But this particular Sunday, I'm going through all that and off to Tun Jugah right after Sunday school. Ditching my mom and siblings, watching Battle of the Bands with - if they could come - Charlotte and Natasha. I absolutely wanna know what this battle of the bands thing is ços maybe I would wanna join one. 'Sides, I've never been to stuff like that so I want to have at least one experience in my teenage life. But honestly, I'm going because I heard my crush is in a band and they're competing. Plus, I hear he is quite a guitarist and word is he plays as good as Slash.
Really want to see it! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Omgee...!

Ever since Haizatul moved to Marudi, near Brunei, she's been texting me about how everything is there. Mostly I hear her saying there about the totally HOT and cute guys there who also have pretty cool names like Laurent, Johanness, Selastin and Ireanus. Not common names here yet it sound so European. 
Haizatul's seen Laurent's sexy bod but the dudes taken by a pretty girl. One thing she told me is that Laurent asked if she wants to have sex with him BUT he was just joking, testing if she knows how to speak chinese. Thank God! Oh yeah, she even said Laurent made out with his girlfriend in their class, right in their faces. Wow, I know my school has students like that but we rarely see 'em live like Haizatul!
One conflict she's got is that she's crushing on two kinds of guys; Selastin and Ireanus; both best friends. She's been asking who does she have to pick if both guys asked her to be their girlfriend. Well, I don't know them so it's really up to her yet she's confused 'cuz Selastin bugs her a lot but is really nice and close to her, too and Ireanus is a patient and friendly guy who makes people laugh. If only there was a third choice who has both qualities. Though, it's best not to wait for a third one 'cuz no.1 it takes too long and no.2 too much options makes it harder to choose.
Haizatul did ask me if a guy challenged me to take a candy out of his mouth, would I do it? Well, if that guy is my boyfriend or a HOT who's trying to hit on me, yes, I would. If not, no way...I wonder what anyone else would do?

Izzit worth it to wait or hope for someone who u loved but has left/dumped u before? and now dat person dat u loved is looking into another person..and tell me da reasons..

its not worth waiting for that someone to come back but there's no harm in just putting empty hopes that they would beacuse it drives you nuts to hope and not know they won't come back but it keeps you sane just still loving them but not expecting anything back.

Ask me anything

what will u do if a friend of yours admit that he/she likes you and wants u and he/she has waited/hope for u for a very long time but at da same time u still love someone who had dumped/ left u n ur hoping/waiting for that person. (giv reasons)

i guess i would accept that friend because he had waited for me and not just treat me like im just some piece of plastic bag

Ask me anything

What's your favorite pasta dish?

spaghetti carbonara

Ask me anything

Puppy Love

Blissful love and blissful sorrow,

Creeps down the road of tomorrow,

Exchanging hands, exchanging rings,

Forever! the flower sings,

Ever so slowly the bond breaks,

Eventually, the heart aches.

Forget me so, forget me not,

Never wanted to tie the knot,

If never had and never will,

Then stay there and stay still,

Not a word, not an utter,

Your words make me shudder.

Chills and fears fill the air,

As it brings out your nightmares,

My aching breaking heart,

Is what caused it from the start,

Watching the moon in the night sky,

I wait for the Sun to rise high.

As my days begin anew,

I’ve already forgotten you,

For this is puppy love,

Not as true as true love.