the last of this blog

My whole year of 2012 has not been my best but at the end of the month of December I am close to satisfaction.
I don't know what it was but I feel as if I should start over a different chapter of my life.
I don't yet know how but I'm starting with ending this blog without deleting and starting a new one that won't have crap that I've put in here.
I've also decided to write in a new journal recorded with things worth mentioning. A private diary will be made to accumulate any feelings I can't let out.
In aspect of my social life, I'm not so sure about it. I thought of ignoring my friends and become a hermit but it seems unkind to do that to them.
Anyway, the first post in my new blog will be on the 1st of January 2013 either in a blogger account blog or outside.

I don't miss you

After a long pondering thought about how I didn't like what my friends did before and re-evaluating my feelings, I only realized it yesterday, that I don't miss anyone at all. Not my friends, my family, my ex that I used to obsess about and not even my cute cats.
When I don't meet with someone for a period of time, I still remember them but I don't miss them because there is something about the situation that says "We might never meet again" and sometimes it says "They have found a new friend and it looks like they don't need you anymore". That's how it is to me all these years. They went away 'cos they can't stay and they found a new better half.
Sometimes I think this is the reason I was born: to be temporary friends to people so they are able to find others who fit them better. What good is it that I have friends anyway? It's not like I have actual feelings.

That crappy things about DiGi

1) Its coverage is not like its slogan "I will follow you" which it doesn't
2) Some numbers are copied or 1-digit different from another number
3) Its plan are the second most expensive

Cut Off and Ignored

Maybe it has been going on my whole life and I just didn't notice it before.
Thereare reasons why I don't talk.
1) Whatever that comes out of my mouth nothing good ever comes of it
2) The person I'm trying to talk to doesn't even realize I'm talking to them
3) The first sentence out of my mouth always gets cut off
4) People just don't listen and they're not even worth it
Besides, to them nothing I say is ever important or significant or worth anything so I don't have to waste any energy moving my mouth. Also, I like listening to all the dopes pouring out their minds on me. One way or another, I usually find a way to connect between the stories and maybe found some gossip that I don't have to share with the douches of the world.

Internet Inconvenience

Over the past year, I've been looking for an online Goth clothing or just a simple clothing with Gothic items. Obviously, I tried to look for them online since I don't go out much. I have found a few but most don't ship out internationally and some aren't found here in Sarawak. But sometimes, the sites are just so stupid they don't work.
Earlier I found a site for the Gothic clothing store in Kuala Lumpur but the shitty sight just rotates around and gives really bad links. It's stuff like this on the web that really pisses me off.

The only blog post i hate

...posts that starts with "you know that feeling *bla bla bla* I hate it so much" then they don't say what the problem is.

Humiliatingly bold

I'll cut to the chase, I just sent a stupid relationship request to my ex through Facebook. It's a stupid move I saw on a TV show called Awkward. If rejects it, then I'll be thinking to myself "so what? I was just goofing around" but if he somehow by heaven's power accepted the request, then I will be speechless.

Why

As much as I hate the two douches I dated, I still get jealous when I see their status as 'in relationship' with someone else, especially if they're prettier than me. It really feels as if they never ever truly want me and I was dispensable to them. Its as if I never meant anything to them whereas they meant a lot to me.
I just feel really upset and I don't know how to get myself out of this miserable ditch. I don't know how to get myself back to being enthusiastic, energetic and...alive without depending on anyone. I felt powerful and strong. Before 6 May 2011, I felt like the world was in my hands, a road was made for me and my life was limitless. After that fateful day, everything was limited to me by one person.
But, I'm very used to hating people and being miserable because of it. So I don't really beat myself up for it.

Fuck the Mainstream

The simple intro of how and why I got sucked into the goth subculture:~
1. How old were you when you heard of the goth subculture?
~> I was probably ten or eleven years old, when I got bored of Hannah Montanna and the colour pink.
2. Why did you decide to become a goth?
~> Inspiration from fictional characters and because I like the fashion. Reasons in terms of music came a little later. I also thought I would be better off as a goth than be a mainstream kid like everyone else.
3. Who were the characters and musicians that inspired you into this subculture?
~> The fictional characters are from cartoons and novels; Sam Manson from Danny Phantom, Creepie Creeher form Growing up Creepie and Raven Madison in Vampire Kisses. The musicians would be Amy Lee from Evanescence and Avril Lavigne.
4. What do you like as a Goth?
~> Obviously, I like standing out in my dark and bold clothes. The music is not always heard around me so sometimes it feels like its specially made just for me.

That's the Fun Fact of simple me

The 'me' that no one really want to accept

What do I mean by this?

*Well it simply means I have a different self that I know no one really wants to see or hear about

And this person reads vampire books, love Gothic clothes and Hardcore rock music 

This person loves black roses even though its meant for funerals

She also loves lip piercings, tattoos and red/amber colour contact lenses

She also wants to wear torn up T-shirts, corsets and black leather boots

Last, this person is a member of VampireFreaks.com

~>The End<~

My vampire novel project

I thought of the idea last month when I remembered back about my Vampire Kisses novels. I have the concept, characters, setting and plot in my head but I always have the same problem every time I write: how to start. I debated the idea of using a first person narration or a third person narration and after long consideration, I decided to use first person narrations by the two main characters telling their side of the story in alternate chapters.

In the first chapter, Ophelia, the vampiress, tells the story of how she was transformed into a vampire about a hundred years ago and what happened after she transformed. She also tells about the purpose of her deliberate isolation from the outside world and how she sustains her blood lust while controlling her impulses whenever she is able to. At the end of the chapter, when she tries to feel the warmth of the morning sun, she notices one of the houses close to her area being occupied by a non-local.

In the next chapter, Hayden, the foreign newcomer, expresses his excitement in living in a new town and starting over a new life while leaving behind his past life in a faraway town where he learned a secret about himself that he won't accept. Although he leaves behind the job he loves the most which is working in his father's firearm shop, he decides its better to work in a more tranquil environment as a simple librarian.

There's more excitement to what this book will become despite the prosaic nature of the characters because there's always a hidden twist~

What I did from a week ago until today

Its not much but kind of interesting - for me, of course!

Every weekday in November until 3rd Dec I practised for my Grade 3 practical piano exam in the school 'cos I don't own a piano. I wouldn't say it was exhausting but frustrating every time I couldn't hit the right note or get out the right expression and playing the same dumb pieces over and over and OVER. During practise just before I went into the examination room, I played just smoothly but I don't know from what force in hell that made me slip and miss a few notes. After that, I was like 'Whatever. I'll fail if I'll fail'. Hopefully, I didn't fail.

On the 29th Nov, I went to see Arine since she came back to Kuching from Sarikei. I was glad I could meet her after these past months but my mood went down when rain poured while I walked to where we were meeting and my mood plummeted when she brought her younger sister whom she detests so much. Since the place we met at was SUPER boring, we decided to go to OneJaya but it rained, again. Instead, I had the pleasure of entering her house and room for the first time in 3 years we've been friends. Like another friend's house I've been to, its a darker contrast to my house; a mess. Interior designs set aside, we talked and gossiped in her room about "unholy" things which revealed to me the Arine I've never known before; an Arine version of Amy.

30th Dec, that day was the ultimate mood wrecker. The activities: watched Breaking Dawn part 2, had a late lunch/early dinner, window shopping. Friends involved: unmentionable. How it went: horrible. Why?: Charlotte ignored me the whole time even though she was the one who invited me to watch a movie, Arine didn't watch it with me just because she wants to hang around with Lorenzo looking for the latest Lady Gaga perfume that won't be out for 6 months. I hate what they did to me; ignoring me like that. I mean, don't they know any manners? What they did was SO inexcusable and if I were my dad, I would've burst out and told how volcanic mad I was. But I'm not my dad so I had to suck it up. I felt like I wanted to scream 'Don't bother inviting me if you're just going to ignore me later' and 'Say no if you don't want to watch it with me, not invite someone else over so you could avoid it' at the two of them. I just can't believe they're so immature and ill-mannered. Until today, I still feel like I want to blow up when I think back about it. But I can't because they're my "best friends".

To clear out my angst, I indulged in romance novels. One was Jane Eyre which is awesome to the max - minus the difficulty in understanding the big words they used. The other book was Vampire Kisses: The Beginning containing the first three books of the series. I admit that Vampire Kisses is nothing like The Twilight Saga or Vampire Diaries or Vampire Academy because it doesn't have that action-thriller touch but a fantasy, goth romantic, humorous and suspenseful feel. I mean, every time there was a super romantic scene I'd giggle and put the book away for a more special time and if there was a climax in the scene I'd resist reading the next part to prepare myself. To put it simply, its a goth teen's novel-version sitcom.

There, the stuff I did and the expressions I had while doing it. 

Romance in Novels, Romance in Movies and Romance in Reality

The big difference between love and romance:-

• Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
• Romance - a love affair, especially an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people; traditionally, a literary work depicting heroic deeds (in short, similar to a story of knights rescuing princesses)

But which would you prefer, love or romance? Obviously, love in real life and romance in fictional stories.

Alas, I can feel no genuine affection for anyone nor I believe that anyone would possess true affections towards me. Thus, I indulge myself in romantic movies and novels whose heroes and heroines find their true love in short of a time and the story line going accordingly to satisfy the readers' and viewers' expectations, unlike reality where nothing goes accordingly and carries no guarantee of sweet happy endings but bitter ends.

Isolated from romantic affections and depressed because of it for so long a time, I've finally regained some romantic fantasies - excluding illicit desires - from a classic novel (Jane Eyre) about a plain young woman who fell in love with and loved in return by her stern, harsh employer. Another novel (Vampire Kisses), a modern work quite humorous despite the heroine being of vampiric and Gothic nature. In the first book, she is a much ostracized teenager because of her looks but finds true love in another much ignored soul of her own kind. Sadly, at the end of the book, he leaves abruptly without an explanation - except a note written with 'Because I love you'.

In both books, never once did I not cry when the memories of my rejection and dejection were brought up by the similarities of the story and mine.