Cut Off and Ignored

Maybe it has been going on my whole life and I just didn't notice it before.
Thereare reasons why I don't talk.
1) Whatever that comes out of my mouth nothing good ever comes of it
2) The person I'm trying to talk to doesn't even realize I'm talking to them
3) The first sentence out of my mouth always gets cut off
4) People just don't listen and they're not even worth it
Besides, to them nothing I say is ever important or significant or worth anything so I don't have to waste any energy moving my mouth. Also, I like listening to all the dopes pouring out their minds on me. One way or another, I usually find a way to connect between the stories and maybe found some gossip that I don't have to share with the douches of the world.

Why

As much as I hate the two douches I dated, I still get jealous when I see their status as 'in relationship' with someone else, especially if they're prettier than me. It really feels as if they never ever truly want me and I was dispensable to them. Its as if I never meant anything to them whereas they meant a lot to me.
I just feel really upset and I don't know how to get myself out of this miserable ditch. I don't know how to get myself back to being enthusiastic, energetic and...alive without depending on anyone. I felt powerful and strong. Before 6 May 2011, I felt like the world was in my hands, a road was made for me and my life was limitless. After that fateful day, everything was limited to me by one person.
But, I'm very used to hating people and being miserable because of it. So I don't really beat myself up for it.

Fuck the Mainstream

The simple intro of how and why I got sucked into the goth subculture:~
1. How old were you when you heard of the goth subculture?
~> I was probably ten or eleven years old, when I got bored of Hannah Montanna and the colour pink.
2. Why did you decide to become a goth?
~> Inspiration from fictional characters and because I like the fashion. Reasons in terms of music came a little later. I also thought I would be better off as a goth than be a mainstream kid like everyone else.
3. Who were the characters and musicians that inspired you into this subculture?
~> The fictional characters are from cartoons and novels; Sam Manson from Danny Phantom, Creepie Creeher form Growing up Creepie and Raven Madison in Vampire Kisses. The musicians would be Amy Lee from Evanescence and Avril Lavigne.
4. What do you like as a Goth?
~> Obviously, I like standing out in my dark and bold clothes. The music is not always heard around me so sometimes it feels like its specially made just for me.

That's the Fun Fact of simple me

The 'me' that no one really want to accept

What do I mean by this?

*Well it simply means I have a different self that I know no one really wants to see or hear about

And this person reads vampire books, love Gothic clothes and Hardcore rock music 

This person loves black roses even though its meant for funerals

She also loves lip piercings, tattoos and red/amber colour contact lenses

She also wants to wear torn up T-shirts, corsets and black leather boots

Last, this person is a member of VampireFreaks.com

~>The End<~

My vampire novel project

I thought of the idea last month when I remembered back about my Vampire Kisses novels. I have the concept, characters, setting and plot in my head but I always have the same problem every time I write: how to start. I debated the idea of using a first person narration or a third person narration and after long consideration, I decided to use first person narrations by the two main characters telling their side of the story in alternate chapters.

In the first chapter, Ophelia, the vampiress, tells the story of how she was transformed into a vampire about a hundred years ago and what happened after she transformed. She also tells about the purpose of her deliberate isolation from the outside world and how she sustains her blood lust while controlling her impulses whenever she is able to. At the end of the chapter, when she tries to feel the warmth of the morning sun, she notices one of the houses close to her area being occupied by a non-local.

In the next chapter, Hayden, the foreign newcomer, expresses his excitement in living in a new town and starting over a new life while leaving behind his past life in a faraway town where he learned a secret about himself that he won't accept. Although he leaves behind the job he loves the most which is working in his father's firearm shop, he decides its better to work in a more tranquil environment as a simple librarian.

There's more excitement to what this book will become despite the prosaic nature of the characters because there's always a hidden twist~

What I did from a week ago until today

Its not much but kind of interesting - for me, of course!

Every weekday in November until 3rd Dec I practised for my Grade 3 practical piano exam in the school 'cos I don't own a piano. I wouldn't say it was exhausting but frustrating every time I couldn't hit the right note or get out the right expression and playing the same dumb pieces over and over and OVER. During practise just before I went into the examination room, I played just smoothly but I don't know from what force in hell that made me slip and miss a few notes. After that, I was like 'Whatever. I'll fail if I'll fail'. Hopefully, I didn't fail.

On the 29th Nov, I went to see Arine since she came back to Kuching from Sarikei. I was glad I could meet her after these past months but my mood went down when rain poured while I walked to where we were meeting and my mood plummeted when she brought her younger sister whom she detests so much. Since the place we met at was SUPER boring, we decided to go to OneJaya but it rained, again. Instead, I had the pleasure of entering her house and room for the first time in 3 years we've been friends. Like another friend's house I've been to, its a darker contrast to my house; a mess. Interior designs set aside, we talked and gossiped in her room about "unholy" things which revealed to me the Arine I've never known before; an Arine version of Amy.

30th Dec, that day was the ultimate mood wrecker. The activities: watched Breaking Dawn part 2, had a late lunch/early dinner, window shopping. Friends involved: unmentionable. How it went: horrible. Why?: Charlotte ignored me the whole time even though she was the one who invited me to watch a movie, Arine didn't watch it with me just because she wants to hang around with Lorenzo looking for the latest Lady Gaga perfume that won't be out for 6 months. I hate what they did to me; ignoring me like that. I mean, don't they know any manners? What they did was SO inexcusable and if I were my dad, I would've burst out and told how volcanic mad I was. But I'm not my dad so I had to suck it up. I felt like I wanted to scream 'Don't bother inviting me if you're just going to ignore me later' and 'Say no if you don't want to watch it with me, not invite someone else over so you could avoid it' at the two of them. I just can't believe they're so immature and ill-mannered. Until today, I still feel like I want to blow up when I think back about it. But I can't because they're my "best friends".

To clear out my angst, I indulged in romance novels. One was Jane Eyre which is awesome to the max - minus the difficulty in understanding the big words they used. The other book was Vampire Kisses: The Beginning containing the first three books of the series. I admit that Vampire Kisses is nothing like The Twilight Saga or Vampire Diaries or Vampire Academy because it doesn't have that action-thriller touch but a fantasy, goth romantic, humorous and suspenseful feel. I mean, every time there was a super romantic scene I'd giggle and put the book away for a more special time and if there was a climax in the scene I'd resist reading the next part to prepare myself. To put it simply, its a goth teen's novel-version sitcom.

There, the stuff I did and the expressions I had while doing it. 

An old Facebook note to my ex titled "From Me To You with Love" (2011)

You say there's no one else, you say I'm the only one. But tell me this. Tell me why do you cry over her? You say your heart is for me but it seems that it's still for her. I know you want to forget because she broke your heart but know this; you can tell me all about it. Don't hold back just because people say you're like a brat when you cry. I'm not like those people, I'm your girlfriend; the girl you've always called the love of your life. Hell, you can tell me anything and I still won't judge you. I could never want to let you go 'cos your heart is one in a billion. You are like the guy I've dreamt and always imagined of. You are my fantasy, the fantasy that I always wanted to come true. The fantasy that I can feel my soul just thinking about.

You move my soul, enlighten my life and changed me for the better. I want to do the same but you have to let me. I can't do it if you always shut your real self from me. Just so you know, I could never understand you because you don't tell me much about yourself. I can't stand not knowing and not understand you. You make me cry by just being happy because I feel happy when I cry. Especially when I'm crying for you =') I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved any other guy. Because Baby you loved me back. Wether you knew it or not, I loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. But you were still with her that time and I never knew anything more than your face and name.

Baby, please forget her. If you want my help forgetting her then tell me everything. The only way you can forget someone is talking about it until there's nothing. I don't want you to keep that bad feeling inside. You wanna hurt someone for it, hurt me. I don't care 'cos all I want is for you to be happy even if it means to hurt me. And hey baby, I think I wanna marry you..hehe =D

Stuff I want to do before I die

It's sounds silly to write such a title but I guess everybody has such list of things to do before they die. Mine seems almost impossible and outrageous, but then I'm blogging this for fun.

1. Join the Miss Malaysia Universe Beauty Pageant (or any beauty pageant, really)
2. Travel around Europe (especially to Italy and Vienna, Austria)
3. Write my own version of a vampire novel
4. Write a teen romance novel based on my own experience
5. Compose a song
6. Own a grand piano (or a baby grand piano, at least)
7. Learn to play the cello
8. Adopt a child
9. Act in a theater drama
10. Have all the series of my favorite books
11. Own a hippie van
12. Own a lot of Gothic dresses
13. Take up archery
14. Go on a cruise
15. Experience true love that never dies

I Still Think About You (Dumb*ss)

It's been months since we broke up and weeks since I last saw you. I really wished you never existed because then, I wouldn't be suffering with your broken promises and false memories. But for you to stop existing, you'd have to die and I don't want you to be dead. So now, I dwell in regrets that I ever told you to continue Form 6 because I Hate You more, now. I can't express in words how much I loathe you and no actions can describe how much hurt you left inside me when you didn't keep your promises to me while I still kept my promises to you. I hate you Harrison Linang!!!!

My Complicated On-Off Relationship

Yeah, my relationship can get complicated. I mean, I am dating a sweetheart playboy, so I should be expecting complications.
I did and I wasn't surprised or shocked when he told me he was seeing someone else besides me. It didn't bother me at all. Why should it? We live far apart so it's easy for the other to cheat or whatever. Though, I don't cheat, especially in serious things like relationships.
Even though he cheated (to me it doesn't really count), I didn't care. But it does hurt when he displays it where I can see it, just not so much.
Y'know, it's kind of funny when he tries to break up with me but the break up doesn't last long. Earlier, he did because he was seeing another girl and he thought this relationship couldn't go on long. 20 minutes later, he attempts to call me and text me but to no avail, since I didn't think he wanted to text back. When I called him, I laughed because he said he missed me. I totally expected that. He said he was in a lot of stress and that he was depressed, so he called. Just to say he misses me.
We talked his stress out and we got back together. During the 20 minute break up I thought, I should change my relationship status but I should probably wait until tomorrow to see if he's gonna me call tonight and ask for a return relationship. AND it totally did.
*sigh* I know him too well ;D

Personal RnR

Tomorrow is Monday and Monday means school. But then, I'm going along my night as if I don't go to school. Recently, I can feel my weekdays shorten and my weekends lengthen. Coming back to the weekday, I've forgotten everything I've ever done and learned at school. As if it was a time from a distant past. Suddenly, my timing on everything has changed.

Relationship Relapse

My second relationship is totally like my first relationship. The difference is, the worst parts are multiplied 5 times more than my previous relationship's problems. But then, at some point I don't really care and change back into a dumb love struck moron.
Seriously, this is a relapse of my previous relationship. Date the half-assed sweetie, get love struck, get mad at the ass, then get back into the love struck mod, then back into getting mad. Soon, the cycle goes on over and over until it reaches to sudden brick wall on the road with a stupid break-up.
Gosh, I'm like my dad in these relationship stuff. Unlucky in love.... -_-"

Sakit Hati

If translated directly, it means pain heart. But it's a term here used when one feels very offended. And right now, I am actually very offended. I know it looks like I'm blogging just to complain about my life and I think i am. Seriously, here is the only place I feel comfortable saying all of these things out.
I guess I should have expected it, but it is something I never wanted to expect. I mean, I'm "dating" a half-assed playboy, half-heart sweetie. But he's mostly a half-assed playboy. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. He keeps saying he'll be faithful to me and that he cares for only me. But, come on, it's all talk. That's why I don't see the relevance in believing everything he says.  Seriously, right now, he's talking dirty to some slutty bitch somewhere. I know 'cuz right now, he's (Kolony term) BOMM-ing with some slutty bitch. He's always BOMM-ing with some slut from somewhere.
Why?? WHY am I always attracted to half-assed jerks?

Overwhelmed!! T.T

I am close to tears T.T when I looked up online for the latest Vampire Kisses novel. It so happens that the latest installment is the last installment of the series. I am close to breaking because I don't have it and the other previous titles I don't have. Maybe I should ask my dad for his credit card so I could get it online. Or maybe my mom, since she buys her books online. I am also desperate for the manga version titled Blood Relatives
Aside from my vampire fantasy books, I also want the werewolf fantasy novels : Once in a Full Moon, Magic of the Moonlight and Full Moon Kisses. I am in desperate need of these because I am so bored out with other things and other books. Also because I will cry in my sleep with the haunting thoughts if these books' absence in my shelf.
For my 16th birthday, all I want are these books!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't get any easier to blog when your sister tells you that your dad reads your blog. It doesn't get weird in real life but its weirdER in my online life.

Missing a Stranger

I still don't know much about my mystery boyfriend. Just that he's a lot like Harrison from the past; funny, sweet, open-minded, overly romantic, macho and many other things. I find it sweet and romantic that he wants to call me every night. And I feel happy when he laughs after listening to my laugh. When he calls, I had a million things in my mind that I want to say out to him, but I forget them completely when I hear his beautiful voice.

I really miss him right now. He hasn't called me in two days. I shouldn't worry about it, too much. I mean, he's a grown man. He can take care of himself. But then, I feel all helpless because I'm younger than he is and we live far apart. Gosh, I feel empty not hearing his voice.

Sayang!!! I miss you!

Giving Back

I've been thinking about it for a long time now. But I'm still not sure if I really want to give back all the stuff Harrison ever gave me. I don't wear them yet they're still precious to me. But when  I try to think back on the sweet and special memories, all I could think of was why he left me. It hurts thinking about it now. It hurts wondering why that one moment of sadness and hate can destroy the many happy and sweet moments.
It doesn't seem to matter anymore, anyway. I'm just going to give them back; two necklaces, an earring, one phone tag and two rings. But I'm only going to keep the poem he gave me on our first date. Poetically speaking, his poem has a part of his heart.

Ignored by Blood

Ever since I lost the innocence of a child, I've hated my life and everything that came along with it; the extra open-minded knowledge. And because of that I'm always ignored by my own family because they think I know everything that's happening. They always expect me to know something without being told. But how was I suppose to know we were going out to dinner or going back to kampung or whatever shit they've come up with. I especially hate it when my mum yells at me about it and says it's my fault I didn't know. Yeah right, you guys were the ones who had you're "secret meetings" every time I leave the room. They disgust me!
However, I've always been ignored no matter where I am or who I'm with. That includes my close friends and best friends.

No Sleep

In my one week absence, I have piles of laundry to "organize" and piles of Homework from 6 different subjects. Not to mention my lack of energy from the lack of sleep and overtime activities. For some reason, I can't stay awake during the day but I wouldn't take a nap. Since my arrival here I've been sleeping at midnight or past midnight and sleeping for only 3 to 5 hours which isn't enough for me to get rid of these eye bags under my eyes.
I get so frustrated with everything. I almost wanted to quit school because of the shitty teachers and the excessive homework.

I Feel Dead

Imagine the feeling of rejection, hopelessness and despair all at once. That was how I felt last night. I sobbed so hard and so much at every image of him in my mind. I miss him, terribly. It gets worse when I think of seeing him in school but unable to talk to him. Also, when I had the chance to say hi to him, I didn't and I feel stupid about it. Other than that, I feel jealous when he talked to his ex whom he told me hates and hasn't talked to in 3 years and whom I am almost friends with.

Even today I felt like crying about him. This morning, I cried the moment I woke up. When I watched The Lost Valentine and Pride and Prejudice I cried wishing those loving couples were me and him and also when it showed the almost romantic sentimental scenes. And yet I still feel dead....