Got Accepted

More than a week after I sent my application to SMV Matang for a fashion course, I got accepted. They called my mum yesterday an told her that I'm in.

I really wish I got the call myself 'cos up 'till now I don't really believe it. But really, I don't want to stay in a hostel. For one, I like school but not school 24/7 and second, I don't want to be so far away from him.

I'm feeling a little down but I'll be going for something I've always wanted; learn fashion. I thought about it and I realised that maybe going there would be a good thing. I mean, going for this fashion thing could ensure my long-term goal. I guess I didn't want this 'cos I'm afraid of losing my short-term personal goals. Afraid that I'll be too far away from him, I guess.

Looks like I need to suck it up and "woman" up. I'm totally gonna get through this. Yeah =D

Best "Lover" Friend

Before I started dating Harrison, I always wanted to be friends with him but somehow, I couldn't. I've always had this attraction to him but not the romantic kind of attraction. It was just the feeling to want to get to know him and hang out like friends. And I even thought of him as a lovable older brother. But I didn't make it a goal to make a bondage with him.
Instead, I tried to make him my best friend after we dated. It was my first time being in a relationship with someone and it was awkward. So, to ease the situation I treated like I would treat a best friend. For awhile, it was and nice and less awkward.
But things didn't go so smoothly afterwards. I got annoyed and irritated when his friends were always around him or calling out to him non-stop when we would walk back together after school. I was like "What the hell?". Before we dated, he was always left alone and then after we dated, they all raid into his space before I could get to him.
Tired of the situation, I stopped acting like a girlfriend and acted like a best friend. It just seem easier to be that way. And...it has.

House Arrest

I'm not REALLY under house arrest, I'm just being hyperbolic with my situation which would be agoraphobia. It means fear of open or crowded places and sometimes it means fear of leaving a safe place.
I'm sort of agoraphobic. I haven't really left my own house without anyone watching or leaving inside a vehicle. The last time I did I was scared to death. I guess I've been inside for far too long; two years maybe. Well, that's teenage transformation; you change from a cheery, silly little kid to an emo,  alienating teen.
'Guess it was that anger and jealousy that was building up inside me. But I've only been inside for so long because of the first two years of my secondary school years; staying home in the morning and going to school at noon 'till dusk. You kinda get a lot lazy in the morning, especially for the ones who sleep in like me.
Besides that, I thought of myself for being in house arrest because my mum always counts on me to do chores. Since we didn't have any schedule of turns to do chores, I was the hard labour victim. But this year, my brother is the one doing all the work because he's getting paid.

Sent my Application!

I just realised that today was the last day for me to send my application for a vocational school. And I totally did. I actually planned to send my application a the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into fashion. Also, I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave my boyfriend alone in Kuching.
Well, the important thing is I sent it. There's no guarantee that I'll get in or not but, there's no harm in trying. Makes me realize that life can be a bit of a gamble. You put your money on the table and let fate or luck do the work. Kinda like love. Take chances on new things and hope that you get what you're hoping for.
And what I'm hoping for is...nothing. I'm doing it because I'm doing it.
However, I'll miss him and some old friends, too. Kinda breaks my heart when I think about it.

Shayne Ward - Until You...

Baby life was good to me but you just made it better.

It feels like nobody ever knew me until you knew me,
Feels like nobody ever loved me until you loved me,
Feels like nobody ever touched me until you touched me.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://www.formspring.me/remmy357nikki

Breaking Benjamin - Forever

i miss you, babe

Dear my Baby,

This is your Ayang speaking to you. I hope you aren't arguing with your family and injuring yourself again. If you are, I'm going to pull your ear 'till it's red =P
All I want to say is that I miss you every second of every day. Even for 5 minutes, I can't keep myself away from my phone hoping that I'll find your text. I desperately miss you!
I know you would tell me to look at the pictures of us together and all the old texts you sent. But they're not enough to fill the void in my heart where you belong. Those texts and pictures are nothing compared to you. With you, I can laugh and I can smile, even when I'm not talking to you.
You are the shelter I seek when I am afraid. The light at the end of tunnel when I am lost. And you are the lover I seek. You are everything to me and I hope I am everything you.

My love for you is forever.

Yours,   

Ayang

Lemon Tea and Punk Music

I am so bored right now but I'm totally relaxed. I'm actually drinking hot tea with one lemon slice while listening to The Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin.
Not a bad mix for some RnR but that's me.

Cyber Stalker/Spy

I might try to be a normal person and whatever but, I kinda spy people online. I'm not obsessive about it. I just want to know about someone but I don't feel okay talking to them. It's not like they're gonna talk me anyway. No one ever does.
There are actually some people that I've already followed from my Blogger. I'm not much of a Twitter person anyway. But honestly, I see they're blogs look really cool and I wanna make mine like that but I like to be discreet. As my horoscope says, I'm a mysterious and discreet person but my name says I am healer of the universe. The irony of it.
"In a nutshell", I "cyber spy" someone just to know about them because I'm the not socialite of the school. Also, it gives my inspiration and creativity looking at each unique blog template.
I'm an odd person.

please love me

it's hard for me to believe that my boyfriend really does love me for who i am. i think that because i see that he's never concern about how i feel with whatever between us that's bothering me and he doesn't consider the fact that were taking this relationship too fast. knowing all that now, i think he only wants me because he just wants to get married so bad and maybe he doesn't want to lose the only person who truly loves and cares about him, someone who really understands him.
maybe i am that girl but that doesn't mean that i want what he wants. even though he is the only person that i would ever love so much, it doesn't mean that i would think of marriage so soon. i mean, he is that perfect i've been looking and as much as i want to marry him, i can't and won't. I can't because i'm too young and i won't because i'm afraid he would leave me or i would leave him because what he'll give wouldn't be enough.
i wish i could break up with him and then get back together when i'm really ready for it. I guess right now, i'm not.

Nyan Cat : It's FUNNY!

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

I'm lonely

I feel so lonely. I really want to spend time with my friends but it just sounds like a bad idea. And when I want to be with my boyfriend, it's either I get into trouble for seeing him or he can't see me at all. Also, we kind of lost topics to talk about, both my friends and boyfriend.
I actually didn't like it when Charlotte sort of ignored me for her sister when we went out to watch Breaking Dawn. For Arine, I wanted to go out bowling with her when she's back in Kuching but I think it'll be better if I don't. It sounds better for her to be with Lorenzo instead of me. And Harrison, there's really no hope anymore. I used to be annoyed but not hate his obsessive, spontaneous and crazy self but now I miss all that.
This time, I'm annoyed AND hate with this rock statue that I'm always spending time with and... I just want to cry when I think about him that way. I just want run away!

say 'I Do'

Ever since I was 8 years old, I watched romantic movies on TV about someone who goes to new places or even met someone they hardly know, then suddenly falls in love and got married or even almost got married. These movies give me confidence that one day I will find true love and get my own love story.
7 years later, I am head over heels with a sweet and loving guy who also, for the first time, feels the same for me. He's unexpected, smart, funny, charming and romantic like the male characters in romantic movies.
I thought, this could be the start of my first love story. But what I didn't count on was when he repeatedly proposed to me. Naturally, I would say 'yes' but...I didn't. The thoughts that went in my mind, 'was this going to be my only love story', 'do I really, genuinely love him' and 'do I even want to get married'.
I wish I knew what to do and what to feel.

Sunburn

Good gosh, I just got horribly sunburnt today! That's what you get when you go swimming for five hours. But it's still nice 'cos for the first time in years, I've gone swimming. Although, I hate the sunburn I got. All the parts of my body, like my thighs, back and boobs, that was still pale white turned red. My swimming suit made a pattern on my body. It's like I went tanning!