the last of this blog

My whole year of 2012 has not been my best but at the end of the month of December I am close to satisfaction.
I don't know what it was but I feel as if I should start over a different chapter of my life.
I don't yet know how but I'm starting with ending this blog without deleting and starting a new one that won't have crap that I've put in here.
I've also decided to write in a new journal recorded with things worth mentioning. A private diary will be made to accumulate any feelings I can't let out.
In aspect of my social life, I'm not so sure about it. I thought of ignoring my friends and become a hermit but it seems unkind to do that to them.
Anyway, the first post in my new blog will be on the 1st of January 2013 either in a blogger account blog or outside.

I don't miss you

After a long pondering thought about how I didn't like what my friends did before and re-evaluating my feelings, I only realized it yesterday, that I don't miss anyone at all. Not my friends, my family, my ex that I used to obsess about and not even my cute cats.
When I don't meet with someone for a period of time, I still remember them but I don't miss them because there is something about the situation that says "We might never meet again" and sometimes it says "They have found a new friend and it looks like they don't need you anymore". That's how it is to me all these years. They went away 'cos they can't stay and they found a new better half.
Sometimes I think this is the reason I was born: to be temporary friends to people so they are able to find others who fit them better. What good is it that I have friends anyway? It's not like I have actual feelings.

That crappy things about DiGi

1) Its coverage is not like its slogan "I will follow you" which it doesn't
2) Some numbers are copied or 1-digit different from another number
3) Its plan are the second most expensive

Cut Off and Ignored

Maybe it has been going on my whole life and I just didn't notice it before.
Thereare reasons why I don't talk.
1) Whatever that comes out of my mouth nothing good ever comes of it
2) The person I'm trying to talk to doesn't even realize I'm talking to them
3) The first sentence out of my mouth always gets cut off
4) People just don't listen and they're not even worth it
Besides, to them nothing I say is ever important or significant or worth anything so I don't have to waste any energy moving my mouth. Also, I like listening to all the dopes pouring out their minds on me. One way or another, I usually find a way to connect between the stories and maybe found some gossip that I don't have to share with the douches of the world.

Internet Inconvenience

Over the past year, I've been looking for an online Goth clothing or just a simple clothing with Gothic items. Obviously, I tried to look for them online since I don't go out much. I have found a few but most don't ship out internationally and some aren't found here in Sarawak. But sometimes, the sites are just so stupid they don't work.
Earlier I found a site for the Gothic clothing store in Kuala Lumpur but the shitty sight just rotates around and gives really bad links. It's stuff like this on the web that really pisses me off.

The only blog post i hate

...posts that starts with "you know that feeling *bla bla bla* I hate it so much" then they don't say what the problem is.

Humiliatingly bold

I'll cut to the chase, I just sent a stupid relationship request to my ex through Facebook. It's a stupid move I saw on a TV show called Awkward. If rejects it, then I'll be thinking to myself "so what? I was just goofing around" but if he somehow by heaven's power accepted the request, then I will be speechless.

Why

As much as I hate the two douches I dated, I still get jealous when I see their status as 'in relationship' with someone else, especially if they're prettier than me. It really feels as if they never ever truly want me and I was dispensable to them. Its as if I never meant anything to them whereas they meant a lot to me.
I just feel really upset and I don't know how to get myself out of this miserable ditch. I don't know how to get myself back to being enthusiastic, energetic and...alive without depending on anyone. I felt powerful and strong. Before 6 May 2011, I felt like the world was in my hands, a road was made for me and my life was limitless. After that fateful day, everything was limited to me by one person.
But, I'm very used to hating people and being miserable because of it. So I don't really beat myself up for it.

Fuck the Mainstream

The simple intro of how and why I got sucked into the goth subculture:~
1. How old were you when you heard of the goth subculture?
~> I was probably ten or eleven years old, when I got bored of Hannah Montanna and the colour pink.
2. Why did you decide to become a goth?
~> Inspiration from fictional characters and because I like the fashion. Reasons in terms of music came a little later. I also thought I would be better off as a goth than be a mainstream kid like everyone else.
3. Who were the characters and musicians that inspired you into this subculture?
~> The fictional characters are from cartoons and novels; Sam Manson from Danny Phantom, Creepie Creeher form Growing up Creepie and Raven Madison in Vampire Kisses. The musicians would be Amy Lee from Evanescence and Avril Lavigne.
4. What do you like as a Goth?
~> Obviously, I like standing out in my dark and bold clothes. The music is not always heard around me so sometimes it feels like its specially made just for me.

That's the Fun Fact of simple me

The 'me' that no one really want to accept

What do I mean by this?

*Well it simply means I have a different self that I know no one really wants to see or hear about

And this person reads vampire books, love Gothic clothes and Hardcore rock music 

This person loves black roses even though its meant for funerals

She also loves lip piercings, tattoos and red/amber colour contact lenses

She also wants to wear torn up T-shirts, corsets and black leather boots

Last, this person is a member of VampireFreaks.com

~>The End<~

My vampire novel project

I thought of the idea last month when I remembered back about my Vampire Kisses novels. I have the concept, characters, setting and plot in my head but I always have the same problem every time I write: how to start. I debated the idea of using a first person narration or a third person narration and after long consideration, I decided to use first person narrations by the two main characters telling their side of the story in alternate chapters.

In the first chapter, Ophelia, the vampiress, tells the story of how she was transformed into a vampire about a hundred years ago and what happened after she transformed. She also tells about the purpose of her deliberate isolation from the outside world and how she sustains her blood lust while controlling her impulses whenever she is able to. At the end of the chapter, when she tries to feel the warmth of the morning sun, she notices one of the houses close to her area being occupied by a non-local.

In the next chapter, Hayden, the foreign newcomer, expresses his excitement in living in a new town and starting over a new life while leaving behind his past life in a faraway town where he learned a secret about himself that he won't accept. Although he leaves behind the job he loves the most which is working in his father's firearm shop, he decides its better to work in a more tranquil environment as a simple librarian.

There's more excitement to what this book will become despite the prosaic nature of the characters because there's always a hidden twist~

What I did from a week ago until today

Its not much but kind of interesting - for me, of course!

Every weekday in November until 3rd Dec I practised for my Grade 3 practical piano exam in the school 'cos I don't own a piano. I wouldn't say it was exhausting but frustrating every time I couldn't hit the right note or get out the right expression and playing the same dumb pieces over and over and OVER. During practise just before I went into the examination room, I played just smoothly but I don't know from what force in hell that made me slip and miss a few notes. After that, I was like 'Whatever. I'll fail if I'll fail'. Hopefully, I didn't fail.

On the 29th Nov, I went to see Arine since she came back to Kuching from Sarikei. I was glad I could meet her after these past months but my mood went down when rain poured while I walked to where we were meeting and my mood plummeted when she brought her younger sister whom she detests so much. Since the place we met at was SUPER boring, we decided to go to OneJaya but it rained, again. Instead, I had the pleasure of entering her house and room for the first time in 3 years we've been friends. Like another friend's house I've been to, its a darker contrast to my house; a mess. Interior designs set aside, we talked and gossiped in her room about "unholy" things which revealed to me the Arine I've never known before; an Arine version of Amy.

30th Dec, that day was the ultimate mood wrecker. The activities: watched Breaking Dawn part 2, had a late lunch/early dinner, window shopping. Friends involved: unmentionable. How it went: horrible. Why?: Charlotte ignored me the whole time even though she was the one who invited me to watch a movie, Arine didn't watch it with me just because she wants to hang around with Lorenzo looking for the latest Lady Gaga perfume that won't be out for 6 months. I hate what they did to me; ignoring me like that. I mean, don't they know any manners? What they did was SO inexcusable and if I were my dad, I would've burst out and told how volcanic mad I was. But I'm not my dad so I had to suck it up. I felt like I wanted to scream 'Don't bother inviting me if you're just going to ignore me later' and 'Say no if you don't want to watch it with me, not invite someone else over so you could avoid it' at the two of them. I just can't believe they're so immature and ill-mannered. Until today, I still feel like I want to blow up when I think back about it. But I can't because they're my "best friends".

To clear out my angst, I indulged in romance novels. One was Jane Eyre which is awesome to the max - minus the difficulty in understanding the big words they used. The other book was Vampire Kisses: The Beginning containing the first three books of the series. I admit that Vampire Kisses is nothing like The Twilight Saga or Vampire Diaries or Vampire Academy because it doesn't have that action-thriller touch but a fantasy, goth romantic, humorous and suspenseful feel. I mean, every time there was a super romantic scene I'd giggle and put the book away for a more special time and if there was a climax in the scene I'd resist reading the next part to prepare myself. To put it simply, its a goth teen's novel-version sitcom.

There, the stuff I did and the expressions I had while doing it. 

Romance in Novels, Romance in Movies and Romance in Reality

The big difference between love and romance:-

• Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
• Romance - a love affair, especially an intense and happy but short-lived affair involving young people; traditionally, a literary work depicting heroic deeds (in short, similar to a story of knights rescuing princesses)

But which would you prefer, love or romance? Obviously, love in real life and romance in fictional stories.

Alas, I can feel no genuine affection for anyone nor I believe that anyone would possess true affections towards me. Thus, I indulge myself in romantic movies and novels whose heroes and heroines find their true love in short of a time and the story line going accordingly to satisfy the readers' and viewers' expectations, unlike reality where nothing goes accordingly and carries no guarantee of sweet happy endings but bitter ends.

Isolated from romantic affections and depressed because of it for so long a time, I've finally regained some romantic fantasies - excluding illicit desires - from a classic novel (Jane Eyre) about a plain young woman who fell in love with and loved in return by her stern, harsh employer. Another novel (Vampire Kisses), a modern work quite humorous despite the heroine being of vampiric and Gothic nature. In the first book, she is a much ostracized teenager because of her looks but finds true love in another much ignored soul of her own kind. Sadly, at the end of the book, he leaves abruptly without an explanation - except a note written with 'Because I love you'.

In both books, never once did I not cry when the memories of my rejection and dejection were brought up by the similarities of the story and mine.

Language Apps #2 (Korean, Dutch, Japanese & Spanish)

A crazy vid my sister made me watch. A must watch!!! I laughed 'til my stomach hurt and eyes watered....

Experimental 3D nail art

Last night, I bought these 3D nail art materials. It has been so boring painting plain colours but so complicated painting patterns. So, it has come to 3D nail art which is both simple and interesting. 

All you need are:

1. nail polish of your choice

2. transparent nail polish

3. 3D nail stickers and plastic diamond studs (can be found in any accessory store)

an example of 3D nail stickers

normal plastic diamond studs

And here's how:

First, apply nail polish to clean nails and wait to dry. Next, carefully peel nail sticker off plastic and apply to nail according to own creativity. Then, apply a layer of transparent polish. Lastly, carefully and quickly place the plastic diamond stud on nail before the transparent polish dries. 

One of the finished results

Things that happened in November - in bullet list form

• 2nd Nov - went to the Hitz Birthday Invasion and came out sweating and tired like I had ran a marathon in my sleep. I discovered that I liked the local bands like Relent and Daytime Drama but I least liked Arabyrd because she was like an annoying Malaysian version of Nicki Minaj - and I hate Nicki Minaj. Other than that, Greyson Chance's voice started to change which made me not enjoy his perfomance but he still did a really awesome performance of Leila
• 5th Nov - no school but spent the whole day in extra class with Miss Angie to finish our Physics syllabus.
• 7th Nov - broke up with my 2nd ex
• 8th Nov - last day of school and it kind of sucked because I was sort of alone in class without Amy.
• 12th Nov - first day of everyday music class - for practicing purposes. Saw Harrison being reckless when he spotted me on the side of the road by not looking at road while riding a motorcycle. I had an awesome haircut, anyway.
• 14th Nov - "It's complicated" with my 2nd ex
• 19th Nov - celebrated birthday with an all-meat dinner while my left ear goes deaf
• 20th Nov - re-painted nails and applied 3D nail stickers, then "broke up" with 2nd ex

Hitz Kuching Birthday Invasion

The most anticipated event for Hitz.fm listeners and Greyson Chance fans. Excitedly, I'M GOING!!! obviously by Charlotte's invitation. I still can't believe I'll be going to one of the hottest events of the year. Finally, I get to experience going to the most talked about event ever!! Maybe now I won't feel so left out. And I get to wear this cute top I bought last week. ^_^
2nd November, KRIC here I come !!

I feel like a cheap whore

"Runaway Boyfriend" Dilemma

*It's not my boyfriend and this guy didn't really runaway.
~sigh~ I came to school yesterday morning anxiously waiting for a friend of mine to get some "relationship advice". I was so stupid I didn't consider her feelings at the time, I burst out my question to her. At that moment, I sensed some disturbance in her. Then, I saw tears in her eyes. I felt so insensitive and stupid as soon as I guessed what her problem was about.
As soon as she gathered her strength, she told me that her boyfriend "ran way". The appropriate situation would be "moved further away". But that's not it. She's fine with him moving further away to get a better job  but what she doesn't like is that he went further away without telling her and left his phone with his friends. It's bad enough that they live far apart, they only meet once a month and her mum despising him. He doesn't have to go away without telling or leaving her hanging on where their relationship stands. He doesn't even have to cut off any contact with her just so her mum wouldn't know anything.
I swear, guys are impossible to understand.

An old Facebook note to my ex titled "From Me To You with Love" (2011)

You say there's no one else, you say I'm the only one. But tell me this. Tell me why do you cry over her? You say your heart is for me but it seems that it's still for her. I know you want to forget because she broke your heart but know this; you can tell me all about it. Don't hold back just because people say you're like a brat when you cry. I'm not like those people, I'm your girlfriend; the girl you've always called the love of your life. Hell, you can tell me anything and I still won't judge you. I could never want to let you go 'cos your heart is one in a billion. You are like the guy I've dreamt and always imagined of. You are my fantasy, the fantasy that I always wanted to come true. The fantasy that I can feel my soul just thinking about.

You move my soul, enlighten my life and changed me for the better. I want to do the same but you have to let me. I can't do it if you always shut your real self from me. Just so you know, I could never understand you because you don't tell me much about yourself. I can't stand not knowing and not understand you. You make me cry by just being happy because I feel happy when I cry. Especially when I'm crying for you =') I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved any other guy. Because Baby you loved me back. Wether you knew it or not, I loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. But you were still with her that time and I never knew anything more than your face and name.

Baby, please forget her. If you want my help forgetting her then tell me everything. The only way you can forget someone is talking about it until there's nothing. I don't want you to keep that bad feeling inside. You wanna hurt someone for it, hurt me. I don't care 'cos all I want is for you to be happy even if it means to hurt me. And hey baby, I think I wanna marry you..hehe =D

Early Birthday Gift

I'm actually blogging this at my school computer. I get to use the Internet early for finishing up early.
This morning I had a teddy bear given to me as my early birthday present since my birthday is during the school holiday. FYI, it's not from some romantic admirer. It's from Haizaitul. It's kinda nice that at least one person remembers my birthday. I usually don't get anything - not even last year.
=D She said the gift was doll that looked like me but it was a teddy bear dressed as a lady bug. Come to think of it, I like teddy bear and lady bugs.

On-Again-Off-Again Relationship

Me: What's a girl to do when she's stuck in a bottomless pit of a recurring relationship?
Mind: ...I don't know...
Heart: First, do you love him? And does he love you?
Conscience: (missing)

Drake and Josh's hug shout ;D

Better than Bieber

Daydreams: The Magic After Reading

Cruel Evil Joy

My euphoria didn't last until today but it was satisfying.
I had news from Amy about Harrison four days ago. I didn't want to hear about him at all because I just want to get over the thoughts of him. But, I perked up when Amy mentioned about his failed relationships after me. I was like "OH YEEAAAHHHH!!!!", then let out a long sigh. I was filled wit cruel happiness and relief at the same time. Cruel happy because the bad side of me was happy that his relationships after me didn't last long and weren't based on genuine feelings. Relief because the grief and depression weighing on my shoulders were finally lifted knowing that he couldn't have his perfect relationship.
*being evil*
I heard the girl he dated after me made him a scandal. She was actually dating someone else (someone Harrison knew) before she dated him. I think she got tired of him so she broke up with him without him or the other guy knowing about the scandal. *MHHUUUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA*

Stuff I want to do before I die

It's sounds silly to write such a title but I guess everybody has such list of things to do before they die. Mine seems almost impossible and outrageous, but then I'm blogging this for fun.

1. Join the Miss Malaysia Universe Beauty Pageant (or any beauty pageant, really)
2. Travel around Europe (especially to Italy and Vienna, Austria)
3. Write my own version of a vampire novel
4. Write a teen romance novel based on my own experience
5. Compose a song
6. Own a grand piano (or a baby grand piano, at least)
7. Learn to play the cello
8. Adopt a child
9. Act in a theater drama
10. Have all the series of my favorite books
11. Own a hippie van
12. Own a lot of Gothic dresses
13. Take up archery
14. Go on a cruise
15. Experience true love that never dies

Merdeka Day!!

Today is the most patriotic day of all days - except Malaysia Day, of course. BTW, there's a difference between the two. I sense this year isn't as joyous as the years before. It's almost like Merdeka Day is non-existent. No banners, no parades, no news, nothing.
However, the opening ceremony for Merdeka Day in school was pretty awesome. I mean, I cried when I watch the video recorded on Merdeka Day 55 years ago. I guess I had a  secret realization of how grateful I was being born in a more peaceful time where I don't have to cower before stepping outside my house or witness someone being shot dead just because he didn't listen orders by British soldiers or move around the whole country because my dad'sin the army.
I'm really blessed to have the privilege my parents didn't have all those years ago. The examples I'd given, it all happened to my parents. Though, it would be cool to experience just a little bit of those.

I Still Think About You (Dumb*ss)

It's been months since we broke up and weeks since I last saw you. I really wished you never existed because then, I wouldn't be suffering with your broken promises and false memories. But for you to stop existing, you'd have to die and I don't want you to be dead. So now, I dwell in regrets that I ever told you to continue Form 6 because I Hate You more, now. I can't express in words how much I loathe you and no actions can describe how much hurt you left inside me when you didn't keep your promises to me while I still kept my promises to you. I hate you Harrison Linang!!!!

Home Alone Teen

It's kinda boring when you're alone. And silent. I kind of prefer to be alone but there's no drive to do anything. I mean, I'm used to be asked to do something and I'm always kept busy. Right now, I still keep myself busy without the stupid stress from my mom and sister but it just feels like nothing was done.

It feels weird that my mom lets me stay at home alone. Unlike last year where she insisted my grandma come and babysit me. It still makes me pissed thinking about it.

Though, this year, she starts leaving me alone at home while she indulges herself with her damned new house. Ordinarily, I am this house's and pet's babysitter and cleaner while the rest of my family are away.I don't complain about being alone. I just don't like that my mom never tells me anything and just walks out on me. Everyone around me are like that. And it makes me so pissed sometimes. They always say I don't know anything but how am I supposed to know anything when no one tells me anything.

Well, I'm going back to doing something that feels like doing nothing.

My Complicated On-Off Relationship

Yeah, my relationship can get complicated. I mean, I am dating a sweetheart playboy, so I should be expecting complications.
I did and I wasn't surprised or shocked when he told me he was seeing someone else besides me. It didn't bother me at all. Why should it? We live far apart so it's easy for the other to cheat or whatever. Though, I don't cheat, especially in serious things like relationships.
Even though he cheated (to me it doesn't really count), I didn't care. But it does hurt when he displays it where I can see it, just not so much.
Y'know, it's kind of funny when he tries to break up with me but the break up doesn't last long. Earlier, he did because he was seeing another girl and he thought this relationship couldn't go on long. 20 minutes later, he attempts to call me and text me but to no avail, since I didn't think he wanted to text back. When I called him, I laughed because he said he missed me. I totally expected that. He said he was in a lot of stress and that he was depressed, so he called. Just to say he misses me.
We talked his stress out and we got back together. During the 20 minute break up I thought, I should change my relationship status but I should probably wait until tomorrow to see if he's gonna me call tonight and ask for a return relationship. AND it totally did.
*sigh* I know him too well ;D

Personal RnR

Tomorrow is Monday and Monday means school. But then, I'm going along my night as if I don't go to school. Recently, I can feel my weekdays shorten and my weekends lengthen. Coming back to the weekday, I've forgotten everything I've ever done and learned at school. As if it was a time from a distant past. Suddenly, my timing on everything has changed.

Relationship Relapse

My second relationship is totally like my first relationship. The difference is, the worst parts are multiplied 5 times more than my previous relationship's problems. But then, at some point I don't really care and change back into a dumb love struck moron.
Seriously, this is a relapse of my previous relationship. Date the half-assed sweetie, get love struck, get mad at the ass, then get back into the love struck mod, then back into getting mad. Soon, the cycle goes on over and over until it reaches to sudden brick wall on the road with a stupid break-up.
Gosh, I'm like my dad in these relationship stuff. Unlucky in love.... -_-"

Sakit Hati

If translated directly, it means pain heart. But it's a term here used when one feels very offended. And right now, I am actually very offended. I know it looks like I'm blogging just to complain about my life and I think i am. Seriously, here is the only place I feel comfortable saying all of these things out.
I guess I should have expected it, but it is something I never wanted to expect. I mean, I'm "dating" a half-assed playboy, half-heart sweetie. But he's mostly a half-assed playboy. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. He keeps saying he'll be faithful to me and that he cares for only me. But, come on, it's all talk. That's why I don't see the relevance in believing everything he says.  Seriously, right now, he's talking dirty to some slutty bitch somewhere. I know 'cuz right now, he's (Kolony term) BOMM-ing with some slutty bitch. He's always BOMM-ing with some slut from somewhere.
Why?? WHY am I always attracted to half-assed jerks?

Overwhelmed!! T.T

I am close to tears T.T when I looked up online for the latest Vampire Kisses novel. It so happens that the latest installment is the last installment of the series. I am close to breaking because I don't have it and the other previous titles I don't have. Maybe I should ask my dad for his credit card so I could get it online. Or maybe my mom, since she buys her books online. I am also desperate for the manga version titled Blood Relatives
Aside from my vampire fantasy books, I also want the werewolf fantasy novels : Once in a Full Moon, Magic of the Moonlight and Full Moon Kisses. I am in desperate need of these because I am so bored out with other things and other books. Also because I will cry in my sleep with the haunting thoughts if these books' absence in my shelf.
For my 16th birthday, all I want are these books!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It doesn't get any easier to blog when your sister tells you that your dad reads your blog. It doesn't get weird in real life but its weirdER in my online life.

Article: Cause of Stress among Teenagers

This is what my oral is supposed to be and what I will present tomorrow. I'm only posting it so that other people who have assignments with this particular title can have an idea on how to write their assignments =)
                                                                                                                                            

Generally, stress is a term often used when someone feels overloaded with pressure. It is also the body’s reaction to changes that requires sudden physical, mental or emotional adjustments. Among teenagers, stress is often caused by social or academic pressure as well as their condition at home.

            One of the most emphasized times of a teenager’s life is their life as a student. Students usually pressure themselves into studying harder because they aim for a higher grade in exams and want to impress their teachers. Moreover, they study hard also because it is an academic demand as they may be able to graduate with distinction. Also, students pressure themselves to excel in their extra-curricular activities as the achievements in these activities are able to give prominence to the students’ reputation in the future. Other than that, excessive school work assignments such as daily homework as well as forgotten homework due to packed schedule and important projects with deadlines contribute to the given pressure on the student causing them to experience unnecessary stress.

            Another cause of stress among teenagers would be the imbalance in their social being. Nowadays, a situation where a teenager is caught in peer pressure is a by-product of their desire to fit in among other teenagers. A teenager becomes stressed when given the pressure to decide whether to follow or disregard a certain trend which will save them a spot in a certain social group. In the event of the teenager giving in to the peer pressure, the teenager will later on waste time and energy improving and maintaining that social status to show that they fit in that social group. What is more, teenagers feel stressed when they are emotionally exhausted trying to find the time to spend between their significant other and friends.

            Lastly, the condition of the teenager at home can affect their academic performance and social attitude outside the home. One of the factors of the teenager’s negative attitude would be arguments between family members. These arguments are often triggered by financial problems, sometimes lack of responsibility at home and lack of tolerance among siblings. In some cases, teenagers will feel stressed when they have siblings whom have their own academic and social problem as well as parents going through separation or divorce.

STRESS

I have no words to describe how distress I am about the things I have to do this week and what I've been facing.
Coincidentally, I'm writing my oral test about the cause of stress among teenagers. So far, I've only been able to complete the part where school is the biggest distress in a student's life. But I have no clue how to elaborate on social problems being the cause of stress, because I virtually don't have a social life. I would continue on about family problems being one of the cause of stress but recently, I haven't had much of a conflict with them.
Though, I do have a little problem with my boyfriend. At some point, he's a big sweetheart with a bad temper but other times, he's like a playboy asshole. He has this weird sudden change in mood and personality. It really makes me uncomfortably whenever he decides to call. I sometimes stress myself about it but I try hard not to.
These are not my only problems. I have many other school related problems that I wouldn't want to mention.

Missing a Stranger

I still don't know much about my mystery boyfriend. Just that he's a lot like Harrison from the past; funny, sweet, open-minded, overly romantic, macho and many other things. I find it sweet and romantic that he wants to call me every night. And I feel happy when he laughs after listening to my laugh. When he calls, I had a million things in my mind that I want to say out to him, but I forget them completely when I hear his beautiful voice.

I really miss him right now. He hasn't called me in two days. I shouldn't worry about it, too much. I mean, he's a grown man. He can take care of himself. But then, I feel all helpless because I'm younger than he is and we live far apart. Gosh, I feel empty not hearing his voice.

Sayang!!! I miss you!

new honey bunny

It's only been a day I've been with this guy. Worse yet, I don't know him and he doesn't know me. I don't even think our "relationship" is a serious one. It's boring when we're on chat but interesting when we're on the phone. He sounds sweet and nice enough but unfortunately, he sounds and acts like Harrison. As of now, he's like an older and more kampung-guy version of Harrison.

I would like to take this whole thing seriously but I don't think he does. So now, it's hard for me to lower my hopes and expectations of him.

Giving Back

I've been thinking about it for a long time now. But I'm still not sure if I really want to give back all the stuff Harrison ever gave me. I don't wear them yet they're still precious to me. But when  I try to think back on the sweet and special memories, all I could think of was why he left me. It hurts thinking about it now. It hurts wondering why that one moment of sadness and hate can destroy the many happy and sweet moments.
It doesn't seem to matter anymore, anyway. I'm just going to give them back; two necklaces, an earring, one phone tag and two rings. But I'm only going to keep the poem he gave me on our first date. Poetically speaking, his poem has a part of his heart.

My Dinner =P

I was bored and alone and hungry so I made my own dinner. It's actually a fish and chips garnished with garlic and scrambled eggs and mayonnaise on the side. I know, it's weird for me to eat at night since fish and chips is breakfast food. Well, I only know how to cook breakfast. It's good but I regret putting garlic XP 

Ignored by Blood

Ever since I lost the innocence of a child, I've hated my life and everything that came along with it; the extra open-minded knowledge. And because of that I'm always ignored by my own family because they think I know everything that's happening. They always expect me to know something without being told. But how was I suppose to know we were going out to dinner or going back to kampung or whatever shit they've come up with. I especially hate it when my mum yells at me about it and says it's my fault I didn't know. Yeah right, you guys were the ones who had you're "secret meetings" every time I leave the room. They disgust me!
However, I've always been ignored no matter where I am or who I'm with. That includes my close friends and best friends.

No Sleep

In my one week absence, I have piles of laundry to "organize" and piles of Homework from 6 different subjects. Not to mention my lack of energy from the lack of sleep and overtime activities. For some reason, I can't stay awake during the day but I wouldn't take a nap. Since my arrival here I've been sleeping at midnight or past midnight and sleeping for only 3 to 5 hours which isn't enough for me to get rid of these eye bags under my eyes.
I get so frustrated with everything. I almost wanted to quit school because of the shitty teachers and the excessive homework.

PKBM (U) camping in Kelantan

Exhaustion, disorientation and soreness runs my entire body 24 hrs after my arrival here from Kelantan. The work and acivities during camping was somewhat brutal and tiring but exhilarating and - unexpectedly - enjoyable, despite the punishments doing squats and jumps and push ups. I kind of blame one of the officers who was a racist and an excessive, optimist with his religion. Inconsiderate ass.
The fun activities that enjoyed and endured were the flying fox, jalan lasak, shooting and a trip to the Gong Kedak Air Base. My favorite was going shooting. It was adrenalin pumping and terrifying. Jalan lasak was a bit tiring for me since I had sores, cramps and disturbed emotions during the event. I mean, I know I'm slow but stop cursing and ordering me around because in the end, you guys were the one's left behind and had to ride in the ambulance. Not me.
In the case of social events, I wasn't very social with them during the time for socializing. Though, I enjoyed the company of a few guys from Penang who were nice to me. I liked talking to one of them called Mohd Azraf. He looked like a smoker and a drug addict but he's actually a sweetheart. On our last day there, they all said goodbye to me as if I was a celebrity. I was upset that I didn't know most of their names while they knew mine. It makes me fluttery thinking that I have a "fan club".
All in all, the whole trip made me rethink about PLKN and made a little bit more confident and endurant.

I Feel Dead

Imagine the feeling of rejection, hopelessness and despair all at once. That was how I felt last night. I sobbed so hard and so much at every image of him in my mind. I miss him, terribly. It gets worse when I think of seeing him in school but unable to talk to him. Also, when I had the chance to say hi to him, I didn't and I feel stupid about it. Other than that, I feel jealous when he talked to his ex whom he told me hates and hasn't talked to in 3 years and whom I am almost friends with.

Even today I felt like crying about him. This morning, I cried the moment I woke up. When I watched The Lost Valentine and Pride and Prejudice I cried wishing those loving couples were me and him and also when it showed the almost romantic sentimental scenes. And yet I still feel dead....

It gets funny in the end XD

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Out Skating

Just went out roller skating with Arine, her sister Anna and Lorenzo. It wasn't A-W-E-S-O-M-E but enjoyable and exhilarating. I didn't have fun much skating around but tons of fun teaching them to skate. I love it. I looked like their older sister. The whole atmosphere made me feel alive and liberated. We laughed all they way each of us fell in attempt to skate and rolling out of control. The most fun was that warm feeling I had spending time with Arine. With her, I didn't feel lonesome anymore.

Petty Excitement

Today wasn't much of an excitement. Just two more days until this exam blows. The only "excitement" I got was a really long look at Harrison. The moment blew my mind, burst my heart and melted my soul.
I saw him while I was sitting at the back during perhimpunan and the Lower Form 6 were right outside doing some sort of landscaping work. I saw him more clearly when he sat right outside the dewan right next to the place where I sat in the dewan. I was all fluttery and giggly ^.^ I noticed he's not as chubby as the last time I saw him, but more...husky. Gosh! He was wearing that shirt he wanted to give me. I wish I'd took it.
As much as I want him to notice me, I keep hiding away from him.

exam...ALMOST OVER!!!!

At last!! Only three more days until the end of the Semester exam and three days until the start of two weeks school break. The suffering of two weeks of exam will end. But, honestly, it feels like it had only been a weekend. I seriously don't remember taking any of those tests and I don't really feel like studying for the next upcoming tests. Anyway, I don't have much planned for the school break but Arine wants to hang out back in Kuching. I'm thinking of going roller skating. But also a movie... Hmm, who should I bring? Don't know yet. Then again, I don't have a lot of money left. Suddenly, everything sucks.
OMG...! I haven't seen Arine since February. I feel all jittery and anxious now.

Dream a Nightmare

I guess it wasn't one of my most horrifying and deadly nightmares but it was the most hurtful.

Two nights ago, I  dreamt of me and Harrison.

It was a hot and sunny afternoon. I was lying on my couch while watching TV. Then, I dozed off and fell asleep. When I blinked my eyes open, Harrison was lying beside me, sound asleep. I cuddled between his arms and he woke up. He was shocked but also happy. Just then, my mom's door turned a little. I hurriedly told him to get into my room. When my mom was gone, I went in to check on him. I was expecting something like a hug but instead, he paced around looking anxious and asking me, "What the hell am I doing here?". By the look on his face, he must thought I kidnapped him. I sat on my bedside, staring at a book, while he paced around calming himself. When his head was clear, he finally said the most hurtful things, "Let's pretend we don't know each other and we never met,". I gave him a dirty look and said, "We're already like that,".
I blinked my eyes open and I was already awake.

Party Invasion

At school today, we had a Teacher's Day event. As always, everyone including the sesi petang join us in the morning. Then, there were some boring crapspeeches that I skipped and some performances by a Form 6 class and this group of "yuppies". The same ones that I had mentioned in Casual Yuppies of Gapor. Ugh! I feel so menyampah watching those yuppies and their stage act. I mean, they upstage every other people with their incompetence in performance. If they need a gig, might as well do it somewhere else. In school, their stage act has nothing to do with Teacher's Day.
Anyway, my class did this so-called "feast". It was such a let down 'cuz the whole thing didn't live up to the standards of a Form 4 class. Just then, the yuppies invaded our class. Though I hate despise them, they put up a fucking awesome party craze. Our class was the loudest 'cuz they turned up the amp they brought in. I can't describe how wild and crazy it was. I'd post the videos I took earlier but there was no sound. So shitty...

Dear, ... How Are You?

Dear Arine,
Dear Natasha,
Dear Avie,
Dear Harrison,

How are all of you? I hope each of you are doing better than I am and are striving to achieve your long-term goal. I'd send this to all of you but I don't have your snail mail address.
I really miss each and everyone of you, truly. I miss having every one of you playing a part in my life to keep me balanced. Each and everyone of you are my inspiration and motivation in life. I thank you all for that. I couldn't have any better inspirations and motivators in my life. Thank you for being my super-awesome-amazing-funny best friends.
I could never find any better friends than all of you. Thank you. You are dearly missed.

Sincerely,

Emma

a glimpse of you

I couldn't believe Harrison was at school earlier. Still couldn't believe he was there for the Form 6. Still couldn't believe I saw him there. But... I didn't feel...anything. Still, it felt nice to "unintentionally" touch his cheek to get him to notice me in front of him. Hehe~ he was surprised and his cheeks were soft and squishy. He looked cute; like a chubby teddy.
I wish...I could touch his cheek one more time, caressing it 'till I was satisfied.

Semester Exams

Up until now, exams sucks... English II and BM II paper aren't what I had expected. I thought I had to write a 300 word essay or something like the formats before. Instead, they were structural questions I'm not used to. I mean, my suck-ish teachers only "taught" literature. Which is super-BORING!!! I couldn't even finish answering the shitty paper.
Speaking of shit, my Chemistry II paper literally smelled like shit. At least the questions wasn't full of shit. Just headaches... Still, I was able to answer the whole thing (except for one question).

eclipse, peace of mind

It's been a really long time since I read a really good book. Especially a long somewhat 600 page book. I may sound like a book-worm but I'm not that type of book-worm. I read books so I could make a movie of it in my head.
What I've recently read was Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse. Out of all the Twilight Saga movies, Eclipse is the only one I haven't watched. Second best to the movie would be the book. AND. IT. WAS. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. There was a lot of emotional conflict in Bella.
Throughout the time reading it, I was giggling to myself when I read about Jacob falling in love with Bella while she was unconscious at the fact the she, too, loved him. I was embarrassed to read the part where they kissed, passionately. Though, I was more than embarrassed when I read the part where Bella tried to "seduce" Edward.
It made me shudder thinking about it.
All in all it was an excellent read. The whole story was surreal and emotional. Like the battle between Bella's feelings towards Edward and Jacob.

Rip in my Soul

Right before sundown, I had this sinking and depressing feeling. I felt tired, alone and abandoned. Even though I was in the company of my family. My entire soul felt disturbed.
When I got home and was really left alone, I was close to being high on ecstasy.  The sound of my quiet, lonely little home made me feel better - but incomplete.
The hole in my soul was immense when I felt abandoned but shrunk slightly when I was really alone. I kept relating that empty feeling to Harrison.
Before I went camping, the sadness of his absence was less but after that, the emptiness just increased. I need him in the only way he could ever help me go through. Sadly, for me, the decision to help me is in his hands and not mine.

JUST...

I'm at home, alone, wearing ONLY my purple buttoned-up checkered shirt

Sick to my Stomach

Ugh...headaches...nausea...stress...3-in-1 package of pain.
I keep feeling like I'm gonna throw up - like a pregnant woman. I'm considering to take those pain meds for my headache but they just taste bad and I just took them a while ago.
I think this 3-in-1 package of pain is a side effect from my "identity-loss" ordeal. Some kiddy bitches stole my wallet that has my identity card, ATM card, health insurance card, student card and the RM68.60 that I've been saving. I suspected this one chick but the teacher couldn't find anything on her.  Just this afternoon, after school, she walked pass me and stared at the ground with a somewhat guilty face. No doubt she or her gang stole my wallet.
When you really think about it, why take the whole wallet? If it's the money you want, why take the whole thing instead of JUST the money?

Cramps and Camp

I just came back from camping at school. As usual I got cramps from the activities held like senaman pagi, kawad kaki and jalan laju. I couldn't feel the cramps when my body's relaxed but it's really painful when I stretch my muscles.
Still, camping at school was fun =) HEHE =3 especially when Harrison came >_< he looked so CHUBBY and CUTE!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop myself from looking at him!! He's just so adorable like a giant, huggable, fluffy teddy bear!! SO GERAM right now! I really, really, REALLY want to hug him!
So sayang I didn't bring my camera ='( If I did, I would've posted pictures on this blog using pages. So soi !

Drama Epic Fail !

I like putting make-up on people!! Even though I don't use make-up on myself..o.0 My best work was Leon's lion make up; he looked adorable =3 then, there was Charlotte's make- up; all glittery and metallic like a fairy-godmother ;P hehe..
However, make-up won't win us first place or best actor/actress or best script. And yet again, SMK Batu Lintang - as always for the past 5 years - won every category. So damn I didn't watch their performance. I really wanted to see how they did it.
The judge's comment on our play was that the whole thing was sort of copyrighted...and it was wrong for us to follow everything on it, even if it was a "sequel". Our performance was okay...but the actors still can't keep their backside away from the audience. Also, our props were too many and they were a little poorly done.
That's all I can say. AND MY MAKE-UP ARE GOOD!!! YEA..

Caking up some faces

Tomorrow I'll be dolling up some actors for the drama. The problem is I don't have the make-up that I'll need. Luckily, tomorrow is just rehearsal on stage. On Wednesday is the real thing!
I have the whole idea on how the make up should be. The characters; Dorothy, Zeke, Hickory, Glinda and Elpahaba would need some elaborate and bright make up which will enable the audience to see their facial expressions. It's gonna be explosive!
Ugh, I'm getting headaches; like the time I'm supposed to direct. I think I'm not the type to handle pressure so well. My mental and physical state are always failing.

Emotion Troll

The other night, I don't know where I got the guts to ask him if he still missed me. It was a sudden feeling - also, I REALLY wanted to kiss him. Before I sent the text, I prepared myself as if I was preparing to throw a hand grenade. I pressed sent, I panicked and tossed my phone on my bed from the door and shut the door as quickly as I could and ran to my kitchen hiding under the table waiting for it to explode. <---- Bodoh
I didn't want to check for replies immediately. I came back half an hour later, hoping for a scaredy-cat response but only to find a NO. I was hurt and heartbroken - for the third time - the whole night.
Until late at almost 10pm, I had 1 text saying he was just kidding and 11 missed calls. I was so pissed when I read the text! But excited and fluttery at the 11 missed calls. Aww...he still cares about me =3

Dance Workshop

I went to a dance workshop this morning at a place called Tyng Dance Academy. The type of dances they had were KPop, hip-hop, LA style, ballet and Latin dance.
I didn't want to take the whole thing, just the hip-hop, ballet and Latin dance. But I only managed to go for the KPop and hip-hop. I didn't like KPop 'cos it was too cute for me and I hate KPop. Hip-hop was pretty cool, even though the moves were so gangsta, tough and tomboy. Well, that's my style =) However, LA style was similar to hip-hop but you don't follow the beat, you follow the lyrics. Which was a little hard for me to understand 'til I left half way, also 'cos the instructor spoke 100% Mandarin - and I didn't understand a word he just said.
All I can say is this: HIP-HOP ROCKS!!!!!

Things To Do

Things to for me to do immediately but some I don't bother to care:

1. P. Moral kerja kursus
2. Chemistry kerja kursus
3. English essay to be published
4. Theatre make-up to buy
5. Self-train for Sport's Day
6. Go to the doctor
7. Prep for PKBM camping

And so on so forth....

Brother-Sister

At school, in this country, at this sort of era, it seems to be common for youngsters like me to have a sort of "sibling relationship" with those unrelated to us, whether they be older or younger than us.
I don't have any, though. Since I don't associate well with anyone older or younger than me.
I feel uneasy calling Harrison abang and him calling me adik. He calls me adik for quite a while now, even though we don't think of each other as siblings.
I remember I once told him that I thought of him as an older brother. Two years ago, I had this attraction towards him, a wanting to be good friends and - if possible - to be able to call him my brother, since I've always wished I had an older brother when I was younger.
Last year, I realised why I thought of him that way; he was caring and protective like an older brother. He was also nice to hug; like a giant, lovable teddy bear. That's why my other nickname for him was teddy bear =3

Melodramatic Drama

I really hate those drama teachers. They said I was too "bossy" when I was supposed to be the stage manager/director. They even said "You were quiet bossy yesterday and today, you just proved to us that you are much worse than yesterday" and that was the day after they put me as stage manager/director. Can you believe that?!?!
What a fucking bitch!! I mean, c'mon a stage manager is supposed to tell people what to do. What did she expect? What? She wants me to baby talk to them????
Words can't really express how angry and frustrated I was at her. I got a bad headache, flu and fever because of her!!!

~Return to Oz~

A script for the drama has been chosen  and I am so excited and pumped up! Especially for the costume designs and make-up!!

Return to Oz is Patrick's - my class monitor - version of "The Wizard of Oz" mixed with the Broadway musical "Wicked". Omygosh..the costume and make-up is going to be wicked cool. I can't believe being in the stage crew is going to be super exciting!!

=')

I know people always say boys are predictable and that they are simple creatures, but how do you find out their predictability and understand their simplicity? I mean, if I knew all that sooner, I wouldn't be suffering, desperate and single, again.
I think that talk about boys being predictable and simple creatures are an expert sluts understanding.
Still, why are boys so egoistic? Are they're testosterones so high and they're mind set so hypocrite until they won't want to be honest with anyone? C'mon la guys...not all of y'all are "the perfect specimen". I like guys who are more open with their feelings and honest about themselves even though it's embarrassing.
The only sign that you're in love is when you don't hide yourself from your partner and you tell them whatever that's making you upset. It's not all about the fun time and the intimate connection.

Clarify...

"Everything is always clearer when you tell the truth and open up, instead of bottling up and lie."
- Emma

I couldn't believe it when he told me e was looking for me when I was SMK Siburan. OH MY GOSH!!! He even said he missed me =3 so sweet
I feel more comfortable when he clarifies things up. It makes me less paranoid, jumpy and depressed. He always has this sort of soothing energy that makes you feel like everything will be fine.

Absolute Disappointment!!!

ERGH!!! I'm so mad! ISH!! I really wish I didn't go for the debate yesterday. Terlepas Peluang seeing  Harrison again. So KECEWA la...D'= Dah la Hazel said she saw him yesterday and said he got bulky.  ERRRGHHH!!!!!!!!! I miss him so much la!

*Sigh* but ada-ada jak he secara tidak sedar ruin my plan to berbaik with him. Yesterday, dah 4 times secara tidak langsung ruin my mood. BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Apa la my life this one?! When I no mood to berbaik with him, he berbaik with me. When I have mood to berbaik with him, he don't want to berbaik with me. Macam no chance la!!!!!!!!

Heart's Confusion

Oh my gosh, I'm so confused!
Just as I logged in to Facebook earlier, I got a notification saying Harrison is "in a relationship" but it didn't say with who.
*Sigh* I really don't want to believe that he has found someone else and hopefully not someone as worse as I was. OH MY GOD, I don't know what to think!! I want to say that I'm happy he's found someone else but I won't be sincere because I don't want him to find someone else, especially if that someone was better than me - or secretly worse than me. ARGH!?!?  I'm arguing with myself, again.
Why did this have to happen?! I already planned to contact him, again, tonight. F*CK SH*T!!!!!!!!!!! Every time I want to do something like contact him just to say 'Hi =)' and be friendly, he always has something that makes my plan fall apart!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loss of Words

The debate competition was this morning and our first opponents were from SMK Batu Lintang. I can say we put up a good fight against them even though I was disappointed by our school's 2nd and 3rd speaker. The points that they presented on 'Reality shows gives bad influence to society' were not like we planned. They sort of sucked at it. But I don't blame on one of them since he was stuttering and was always nervous. That is why SMK Batu Lintang won this round.
They were so cool and confident and they had a really strong point opposing the motion. What I found hilarious was the third speaker, Abel Lim. Gosh, he talked with - as Stephanie said - great "poise", a fake British accent and a pondan-ish tone. But he was REALLY good. I don't think I could measure up to him even though he said we were really good.
Sure gonna be hard facing him when we go for the Drama competition. I heard he was voted best actor for 3 years and he had a great voice for singing. Gonna be really tough to beat.

Tomorrow Debatin'

Tomorrow's the "big" Debate Competition at SMK Siburan. Who am I kidding?!?!? The Swinburne University Debate Tournament is BIGGER than this sh*t. Dah la jadi 2nd speaker, maka the debate in SMK Siburan I'm just the reserve and I'm already freaking out! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Good grief, Swinburne gave us 10 themes to study before they tell us what to debate about. Fak U!!!
Sometimes I think the essay competitions, debate tournaments and speech writing contests are just shortcuts for adults to solve whatever problem they have. Ugh..f*ck the government and higher authorities.
Wish me luck inhabitants of Earth.

The Lost Valentine

The Lost Valentine is actually a movie I once saw last year. It's about an eighty-something year old woman who waits every Valentine's Day for her missing/dead husband who went to war 60 years ago.
It doesn't sound as romantic or as touching but it does live up to it's title; having to wait for your missing army husband every Valentine's Day at a train station where you last saw him. Hehh..I once thought I was going to be that same kind of person; to wait for Harrison whenever he'll be away if he ever gets in the army. But I don't think I should think about hat kinda stuff any more, seeing that we're over.
Earlier at church, my old Sunday school teacher said it may be better if Harrison and I were just friends, seeing at how her daughter's experience was with this other sensitive, touchy guy who broke off because they were too far away from each other. And when I really thought about it, it was true; he and I are best as friends.
Hehe..maybe I should do what Arine would do; be friends, no dating, then get married.
=P

Double Betrayal

It's a title of my short play that I'm writing right now. Without realising it, the play is actually like a double betrayal I got from Harrison. The so-called "betrayal" I got from him is actually our double break-up.
It's about a girl who is in a deep relationship with this charming guy and they are so in love with each other, or so the girl thought. After a while, the girl found out the guy has been cheating on her this whole time and intends to kill him. Then, the guy was murdered by the girl.
Soon after, the guy's friend who has a crush on the girl asks her to be his girlfriend and the girl accepted. The two were like soul mates. Until, he found she killed his best friend.
At the end of the play, the second guy invites the girl to a private date at a park during the night. The two danced for a while and when she spun herself back into his arms, he stabs her in her stomach.
The End (?)

Debate and Drama

Debate and drama; two things that are going in my after school activity. Debate; my teacher chose me for both the Inter-school and Swinburne competition. Drama, on the other hand, was voluntary since it wasn't announced openly to the entire sesi pagi. Not to mention my English essay assignment given to me by my Form 2 English teacher to publish in the school magazine. Good gosh, I just remembered I had my Chemistry and Moral assignments I hadn't started.
Urgh, everything is making me bonkers! Everything is everywhere!
Excessive school-related work and activities should be classified as mental and psychological abuse. I can see why the world is full if shitty and crappy people in the world; they're all stressed by other people in their past who were stressed.
My life is really full of debate (arguments) and drama.

~Oopsies~

I take it back. My return relationship did last more than 24 hours.
Gosh, I am silently crushed thinking about it! I've been thinking for a while - wondering what I did wrong until he asked for a second break-up - and thought maybe it's because of the little things that I didn't do. I mean, he called me 'Ayang' and all that sweet stuff but I didn't call him 'Baby' and, instead, treated him like a friend. Either that or it could have been his cousin who has been texting me. I don't know.
I'm not sure of anything when it comes to him now. Well, it's my fault anyway. I led him on when I was dealing with the whole school transfer situation; undetermined decision, whether I should stay or go. Sometimes I feel like he's tricking me into some kind of "girlfriend test" or what.

I feel a hint of suspicion coming on. What's his game, anyway?

Shortest back-together Relationship

Three days ago, I had missed calls from Timothy or Harrison - I don't know which, they used the same phone. The next day, I answered one of the call, don't know why I did. It was him; Harrison. We talked and joked, made puns and laughed. It was nice talking to him and hearing his voice again.
In the middle of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to get back together with him XD but dammit I couldn't understand what he meant 'cos here we use the term return. I was thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until he told me straightforward. I didn't give him an answer. So we continued to talk for a bit then, hung up. Moments later, I texted him my answer; yes. He wasn't excited but happy.
Then yesterday, after my class, we texted for a while, then he asked for another break up. Only this time, it's because he didn't want to distract me from my studies AND he said we should stay as BFF's - at least until I finish school.

length of my return relationship: around 18 hours

Late Magic Fingers

I wouldn't describe them as "magic" but more of skillful. Well, that and an average brain.
I'm not bragging but I'm surprised I could play the piano so well, draw spontaneously beautiful motifs  and occasionally write amazing literary works. I always thought myself of an averagely achieved person; insignificant enough not to shine a spot light on.
Hmm...I have met other people who, I believe, deserve to be in the lime light or some attention even though the things I admire them for are small things. Like this one girl I know who can make a killer nail art design. And another person who has an admirable optimism but is looked down on because of some bitchy gossip.
But then again, I'm easily impressed by other people. That's because all my childhood I've been feeling degraded because of some so-called "silly" comments by family members. Also, because there's a common obstacle who has constantly restricted by outside activity just because I'm a girl and that person also feels degraded because their own past life.

Backaches and Headaches

I've become my sister; I have backaches like a 70-year old woman. Thanks to my sucky mattress and "brutal" PKBM exercises yesterday. But, I'll live. Nobody dies of back problems - except for Bella from Twilight.
Headaches: mild migraines here and there. I can't say how bad for Arine, yesterday. When she sat on the ground, she suddenly screamed. Gosh, she has one of her terrible migraines, again. It's a good thing she got her meds in her bag and her granddad was already there to pick her up.
*sigh* I feel sad she had to endure all that pain. She shouldn't hold it in or else it'll turn out like yesterday. I'm glad she didn't come to school today. Best for her to get some rest at home than to add up her stress in school.

Eat, Love, Pray

Not exactly the same order like the book and movie Eat, Pray, Love but that is exactly how mine is like.
Eat: I 've eaten everyday since I was born, nothing special about it. Though living here in Kuching has it's perks with the variety of food and flavours. It's like a rainbow of tastes on your tongue.
One of the things I like to eat here is the Sarawak laksa, an incredible mix of sour and spicy tastes. I just love this state!
Love: I've had my fair share of little schoolgirl crushes in primary school and puppy love stalking in early secondary school life. I've never had any boyfriends, because I was too young and immature for that kind of matter.
Hmm...hehehe...Honestly speaking, I was technically 14 and half when I fell - or tripped - in love with the loving and amazing Harrison. I didn't think of it seriously while we were together, even though he has showed me how serious he was about me.
Pray: I'm not one to be religious, especially when I'd turned the age of 12. I skipped church for almost a month because I was depressed when Harrison broke up with me. I still prayed but only for him. The person I'm most worried about is him that's why.

Moment in Need

It wasn't really one of my most vulnerable moment but, I totally needed him in my mind.
My mom took me to Pathlab to get a blood test. I was kinda nervous about it 'cos there's gonna be needles. And it sort of hurts. When the worker there took my blood, my mom told me not to look at it and look somewhere else. It helped - for like 2 seconds. But then, I heard Harrison's voice in my head telling me to calm down. So, I did.
Gosh, hearing his voice again was so heart-warming. Thinking of him, hearing his voice and seeing his face in my memories, it's just so...unbelievably blissful.
Yeah, it's not wrong for me to miss my ex. It's never wrong to miss someone. It's just wrong when someone tells you you're weak for missing that person.

Exhausted!

I..was..so..exhausted earlier today. It may not have been the worst cramps and exhaustion that I've ever experienced but it was...I don't know. I haven't felt that since July last year.
Why was I exhausted and cramping? Well, during Valentine's Day my plan was to give him a special gift even though I haven't had the slightest clue what to give to him. Sadly, it rained heavily for two days. But not today. Today, I had everything ready and a plan in my head; how to get there, what time was suitable and what not. I was so ecstatic! Even though I wasn't giving it to him face-to-face. My heart was pumping so hard and my confidence sky-rocketing into space.
However, the effort was all in vain. Why? Because there was someone in front of his house and I didn't want anyone seeing me there. Ugh..I feel so disappointed! I've been meaning to do something really nice for him and I blew the one chance I got.
Ermm, tomorrow is going to be a month he and I are broken up. Hehh..I didn't realise it has only been a month. I thought by now it should've been August. Bodoe..

These Rainy Days

It makes me feel nostalgic. It remind me of all those times I played in the rain and the times I lay under my blanket pretending to be in a fortress. Most of all, it reminded me of all the times when he and I would give each other imaginary hugs from our phones whenever we texted during the cold and rainy days like today. I could really feel the warmth, so calming and soothing. Who wouldn't like a nice hug during rainy days? Hehe..I even lay in bed while texting him and imagined we were cuddled together.

Sweet memories =D

Tears rolling down my eyes...

Omgosh...I'm just crying while listening to this song. Also, I just really miss him after I opened my facebook and saw some of his status updates. Haiya..a month without him feels so long. I thought it has been months since we've broken up but it's only been almost a month. Dah la yesterday was Valentine's Day, worse still I was haunted by the sight of couples here and there.
I really don't feel anything but under the circumstances, there is a lot of emotions going on in me. I mean, he was one of my best friends and losing a best friend is a lot worse. Gosh, I just really miss him and I know there's not much that I can do to bring him back into my life. Now, it's all up to him and God.

Bitten by a Dog

Damn it!!!!! AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Earlier, there was this stupid dog that bit me for no reason. I know they're around for protection but please la, leash that damn thing before yougo out. The owner pun one kind! Just left the dogs to attack me and stare at me like what. Fuck in hell this man. Mentang-mentang la live in the rich area, think they can do whatever they want and not take responsibility. Butt-face idiots.
Now, I have a dog bite on my right leg and a sprained ankle. I'm so mad right now!!

Casual Yuppies of Gapor

This is how I define yuppies: they are rich, snobbish and pretentious hypocrites mainly among girls with high-class parents.
I can say I've describe several of them in school even though they're not in power suits, but I'm sure they're parents are and someday they would, too. Ugh, I can't say how much I loathe these people. They are just so...urgh! They don't talk to anyone unless they have to show charity to the lower-class and not the 'In' crowd people.
Some days I ask myself, Why did I ever want to be part of those desperate status-seekers.
I won't say names but these guys exists in groups. Mostly, you can find them in my school's Interact Club, Pathfinder Club, Handball Team, LEO Club and St. John Ambulance unit. These yuppies are mostly Chinese - rich or poor, pretty or ugly - and those who can speak Chinese - rich status-seekers.

Miss You BFF

Haiya...I seriously have a lot in mind lately. It's all piled up 'cos I don't have anyone to tell about it. Geez..I really miss and need my best friend right now. Sadly, Arine is away in a boarding school which she came to hate. Hmm..if I really did went to SMV Matang, could she be able to transfer there? Well, no use for that now since I'm in a regular school.
Good gosh, I didn't realise we were going through the same situation. I wish I could take her somewhere and just spend some time together. But, I'm too cowardly to hang out with her outside of school. I guess I'm too used to being around her in school than out if school. Well, there's always Lorenzo to break the silence. Maybe next time.

Little Ring

<---My favourite earring and finger ring.









These are 2 of 4 things I can't sleep without. Both were given by Harrison.
I really can't sleep right or dream when I don't use them. I've never taken the earring off since I've had them and I'm just dying to wear my ring but my ring only fits on my ring finger.
Sometimes I think these 2 things have magic powers or dream powers. They're just so...calming.

Working Sister

I still couldn't believe it; my sister is working, as a waitress.
I never thought my sister would work during her teenager years. Especially as a coffee shop waitress since she already told me she won't work as a lowly waitress. She said she's been trained to serve the YB and all that crap and she won't start out at the bottom.
Such a hypocrite.. She only accepted the job 'cos her friend offered it and her BFF wants to work with her. (excuses)
Good luck, sis

It's a Leap Year!

While I was doing my chores, I just remembered that this year was a leap year. I couldn't believe that I forgot about it! I guess it's because everyone is too busy worrying about the end of the world. Well, not me!
I've actually planned quite a lot for this year but since every one of those involves my relationship, I'll just have to cancel it.
Haiya...I actually wanted to plan something special for Valentine's Day since it would've been me and Harrison's first Valentine's Day. Also, something more special on the 6th of May because it would've been our 1st Anniversary. I might even have asked him to marry me =P since a leap year is the only year when women can propose to men. Well, it looks like two plans going down the drain.
Hmm, I've got new plans, anyway. I wanna learn all there is while I'm in the school's basketball team, write an article or do something cool in Journalism club and train the fuck off the new members in PKBM (not really, I'm too nice).
I'm a SUPERWOMAN!!

Post-Breakup

For the past 4 Days, I've been feeling so down and depressed and lonesome. I even cried from time to time. I just feel so hurt that I've lost him.
I thought about begging and pleading to him so he would feel some pity for me and take me back. But the situation just turned for the worse. He rejected me again!
And so I went online to find some advice on how to get him back. The advice was really obvious because all of it was what I was telling myself before I begged and pleaded to him. According to the article, the first step is to be strong and confident. The second would be to limit contact because he would feel harassed. Lastly, find new and fun things to focus on and LIVE a little. Note: do not act on instinct because this will be  the time when our instincts are at their weakest.
I should've listened to myself in the first place. It would've been so much easier that way. Now with the realisation from the article, I am going to have some of my own girly time fun.
Later haters! ;)