Unsatisfied

as if there was a time when humans are ever fully satisfied. satisfaction in life is never enough. they say love is enough but for me, it's not. other things like friends are worth more than that; it keeps me from feeling lonely. the problem of having a relationship is that we always, especially women, have the need to be with that someone until we forget everything else. sometimes, we would suffer for them.

in my situation, i feel like i want to shoot him in the head or push him in front of a moving car or even beat him to a pulp. if he doesn't like the way i think, then it's his problem for choosing a violent and emo partner. besides, he has his own flaws; cry baby. and that's even worse to put up with. he's lucky he has baby face when he cries.
 i hate it when i'm upset and he becomes more upset. and when i sulk, he cries. wtf?!?! you're suppose to comfort me for goodness sake, not the other way 'round. sometimes, i can't really handle any more of this and i just want to break up. but whenever he finds out, he threatens to kill himself or say i will never see him again. in my head i was like, don't be such a dumbass! all i want is to just forget this feeling, not erase you from my life.
if he ever threatens me again, he better be ready for a hand slap and a blow to the gut. i can't promise it won't happen. i just can't take the threats, the blame, the guilt and all the sympathy i've given him. i wish he would stop all his crap and tell me what's wrong! for me to be able to help him, he needs to tell me and not shut himself out.
I worry about him every second i'm awake 'til i get terrible headaches.

helpless..useless..worthless

it's one of those days when you feel so helpless when there was someone in need. especially when that someone is a person you care about the most. this helpless feeling always leads to us to feel useless because we were unable to do anything. then, there is that self-worthless feeling. when you think you can't help or do anything, you feel as if you are of no worth. i know that feeling, because i feel it almost everyday but sometimes not in this particular order. some days i feel helpless and other days i feel useless. but everyday, i feel worthless.
this is my circle of life. people come and go. leaving me without an honest word on their mouths. giving me days i haven't done enough. i always feel worthless. because everyone leaves me; at a corner, in a room and wandering hopelessly in my mind. for no reason whatsoever, everyone alienates me for being silent; the little weird girl with sad eyes.
the way others had treated me affects my way of thinking and emotions. i think of dark and gruesome things because the normal things in life are boring. i like black because it's different and everyone said i was different. i like being sad because my parents always gave me shattering hopes and dreams. being mean is just my way of showing that i'm not good for you. nice has never been enforced in my life positively. they tell you to do nice things but never show you how to do nice things.

Tears of...

Usually, I don't cry. Wether there's a sad or happy event. I could never get myself to really cry from an emotional effect. Normally I'd fake cry, except for all those times I cried because I was mad at my parents. I actually thought I was losing my empathy but now, I cry whenever I see a sad scene of a show or a very beautiful and romantic love scene.
My tears would well up and my heart would pound hard and slow. My thoughts would lead to him whenever I'm like this. It's like there's something to it. But of course, I did cry when I thought about my friends transferring to another school. Makes you feel lonely when you think about it. Your closest friends all gone.
I always thought about what I'd do without them. Other people found it hard to accept me but they didn't. I'm glad they're in my life and I'd totally be lost without them.

What I like about:

• Arine - she's tough, bold and cool to be with. Crazy, loving and loyal. Great friend to unleash your tomboy side.
• Natasha - she's crazy and funny. Totally open-minded and cool about everything. Totally positive and trustworthy.
• Avie - religious and likes music. Has awesome stories 'bout her life that makes me laugh and appreciate the things in life.

What the..?

I don't get it. Why are there lots of viewers searching for music love? Mostly they end up on my blog. Kinda makes me think my parents are stalking my online personal life. It's cool people can get to my blog and read it but paranoia is making me think my parents are reading. Not that I don't know. My sister already told me about it. Kinda lame that they would read a blog than talk to their daughter. Pathetic, actually.  I'm not happy that they read my blog but I'm more than glad they don't talk to me for no reason. It is totally RARE when they have a reason to talk to me. Oh yeah...I got it good.

Love this guy...=P

His voice always gives me goose bumps. It's so dreamy...

Thoughts...

Ever since my brain was released into the reality of the world, I've always been cautious about everyone's view of me; how I dress, how I acted and how I treated people. I didn't realize I struggled trying to fit in with other kids since I was in kindergarten. I always thought, People are just people but most important is there was me in this world. My parents never really taught any value of friendship, just gave advices I couldn't understand. Mostly advices about things that only matters to them most.
However, the effect of their upbringing of me was not "perfect". I actually came to be a wild, bitter, rude and psychopathic girl because of the way they raised me. They teach me useful things, yes but not much about values. They tell me straight to the point about these "values" which made it hard for me to understand. But mostly, they connect things to money issue. Money this, money that. They act as if they can't afford anything in their life.
News flash! My mom spends about hundreds on my brother's dyslexia tuition fee which didn't do as much good and other times she would spend on slimming product and services. My dad is another asshole. He likes his material items more than his family. He changed his car 4 times and ended up with a 22 year old Pajero that sucks. Sometimes, I'd see he would spend on hunting knives even when he doesn't hunt at all. He even tried to buy a RM200 police baton after he said we couldn't get any food because he doesn't have money.
Goddamit, if you guys never really liked each other and things didn't work out why the HELL did you even get married?!?!  I always asked myself this and wished I was born in another family. Instead, I try to raise myself in aspects of life values. So now, this who I am.

Desperation..

Why am I feeling SO desperate to have him near me??? It's only been three days! I can't believe I can't hold a few days without him. I feel so sick and sad and teary ;( My stomach is churning and I feel like I'm being gagged. Okay..I just half-vomited X( I really need him! I desperately need him!! However, he doesn't seem to care. He cares when I care about him and that was enough. Just not enough... I'm worried sick about him..! I think about him every second of the day. It's hard not to think about him.
I always try to find a way to get him off my mind. It worked when I'm with friends but it can't replace his company. At least, they're always around when he isn't =)

My Romantic Idiot

Most times when I wake up in the morning or before I go to bed, Harrison would always send these really really REALLY long texts. And sometimes he would send those kinds of texts at certain times of the day when he usually finishes reading my blog. But it's always when he really misses me.. These texts are always romantic and sweet and deep from his heart, but it makes me giggly and crazy and speechless! I always call him an idiot because he makes me feel this way XD He's always so romantic 'till I go nuts and speechless. I hate it when he makes me speechless..I don't always have anything to say when he does.
Though, I do like it when he makes me giggly and crazy. It only makes me love him more =)

PMR...Vocational...PMR

Omygosh..I had my BM paper earlier today. Paper 1 was okay but came Paper 2, I was close to panic. I studied only Form 1 and Form 2 novel but suddenly came Form 3 novel, which I didn't study. Thank God, I could answer the question. I made it simple ad easy.

I'm not really nervous or panicked about my other PMR papers. What I'm really worried about is whether I want to go to SMV Matang or stay at Gapor. Actually, my first choice would be at Matang because there's a course for fashion and dress-making, which I desperately want. But then, I heard SMV Kuching will be a Kolej Vokasional where I can get a diploma in the course I choose. And since the school is not too far away, I don't have to stay in a hostel, I can still see Harrison whenever, could easily continue piano class and I have Arine there with me since she already applied.

However, that particular Kolej Vokasional doesn't have fashion and dress-making like it should. I was REALLY hoping they would have a course in fashion and dress-making. I am really upset right now =( If I don't go to Matang for the fashion course, I'll lose my chance at realising my dream. But if I do go, I'm going to REALLY, REALLY, REALLY miss Arine, Natasha, Avie, Charlotte and Abbie. Especially Harrison. I don't know whatI'd do without them.. It was hard for me to make friends and it was hard for me to not talk to Harrison for even a day.

How am I going to get through all this?? 

Undecided Future of A Woman

How does one follow a dream when she has many dreams? Or are those dreams just goals and interests in life? But aren't dreams goals and interests in life? Well, I don't know. I didn't decide what dreams, goals and interests means. All I know is I have them. What I need to know now is what to do with those dreams, goals and interests.
Hmm..when I think about, all I ever dreamed of is to find the love of my life, which seems like I already have. My interests, my interests are many but only because I'm curious about it. Wanting to know what they do, how they do it and finding the main cause why everyone likes it. However, my goals are still a blur. I know now that
I need goals to determine my future; what I'm going to do, who I want to be, where I want to live and with whom I want to live my life with.
All I know now is I want to go to SMV Matang so I could get a diploma in Fashion Designing, then pass all my piano exams so I could get a diploma in Music. After that, I just decided I want to go to University Malaya because they have a recreational arts center. There, I'll decide what I want to do; drama, music, visual arts or designing. Everything is still undecided. So now, I'll just focus on passing my PMR and be the smartass I've always been.

PMR wishlist

PMR is only two days away now. I haven't been studying much because I really hate studying on weekends. Though, I'm still confident that I'll get my target grades. 5A's and 2B's. I'm hoping to get A's in my English, BM, Science, Math and KHB paper while B's in Sejarah and Geo. But if I got straight A's, then I wouldn't mind. I'd be leaping sky high. To be honest, I wanted these A's because I want all the stuff I get as rewards. So, here's a wishlist of those stuff:

1. A MacBook.
2. A Canon EOS DSLR camera
3. An electric guitar
4. A violin

There are only four because I can totally predict it. My mom already told me she'd get me a MacBook, I'd ask for the camera from my dad if he asked what I wanted, the electric guitar will be from my Uncle Pik and the violin will be from the money I'll get from the Yayasan Sarawak and the school's PIBG. Simple as that.
I wonder who else has a wishlist like this? Probably has more cool and exciting ones than mine.