I Feel Dead

Imagine the feeling of rejection, hopelessness and despair all at once. That was how I felt last night. I sobbed so hard and so much at every image of him in my mind. I miss him, terribly. It gets worse when I think of seeing him in school but unable to talk to him. Also, when I had the chance to say hi to him, I didn't and I feel stupid about it. Other than that, I feel jealous when he talked to his ex whom he told me hates and hasn't talked to in 3 years and whom I am almost friends with.

Even today I felt like crying about him. This morning, I cried the moment I woke up. When I watched The Lost Valentine and Pride and Prejudice I cried wishing those loving couples were me and him and also when it showed the almost romantic sentimental scenes. And yet I still feel dead....

It gets funny in the end XD

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Out Skating

Just went out roller skating with Arine, her sister Anna and Lorenzo. It wasn't A-W-E-S-O-M-E but enjoyable and exhilarating. I didn't have fun much skating around but tons of fun teaching them to skate. I love it. I looked like their older sister. The whole atmosphere made me feel alive and liberated. We laughed all they way each of us fell in attempt to skate and rolling out of control. The most fun was that warm feeling I had spending time with Arine. With her, I didn't feel lonesome anymore.

Petty Excitement

Today wasn't much of an excitement. Just two more days until this exam blows. The only "excitement" I got was a really long look at Harrison. The moment blew my mind, burst my heart and melted my soul.
I saw him while I was sitting at the back during perhimpunan and the Lower Form 6 were right outside doing some sort of landscaping work. I saw him more clearly when he sat right outside the dewan right next to the place where I sat in the dewan. I was all fluttery and giggly ^.^ I noticed he's not as chubby as the last time I saw him, but more...husky. Gosh! He was wearing that shirt he wanted to give me. I wish I'd took it.
As much as I want him to notice me, I keep hiding away from him.

exam...ALMOST OVER!!!!

At last!! Only three more days until the end of the Semester exam and three days until the start of two weeks school break. The suffering of two weeks of exam will end. But, honestly, it feels like it had only been a weekend. I seriously don't remember taking any of those tests and I don't really feel like studying for the next upcoming tests. Anyway, I don't have much planned for the school break but Arine wants to hang out back in Kuching. I'm thinking of going roller skating. But also a movie... Hmm, who should I bring? Don't know yet. Then again, I don't have a lot of money left. Suddenly, everything sucks.
OMG...! I haven't seen Arine since February. I feel all jittery and anxious now.

Dream a Nightmare

I guess it wasn't one of my most horrifying and deadly nightmares but it was the most hurtful.

Two nights ago, I  dreamt of me and Harrison.

It was a hot and sunny afternoon. I was lying on my couch while watching TV. Then, I dozed off and fell asleep. When I blinked my eyes open, Harrison was lying beside me, sound asleep. I cuddled between his arms and he woke up. He was shocked but also happy. Just then, my mom's door turned a little. I hurriedly told him to get into my room. When my mom was gone, I went in to check on him. I was expecting something like a hug but instead, he paced around looking anxious and asking me, "What the hell am I doing here?". By the look on his face, he must thought I kidnapped him. I sat on my bedside, staring at a book, while he paced around calming himself. When his head was clear, he finally said the most hurtful things, "Let's pretend we don't know each other and we never met,". I gave him a dirty look and said, "We're already like that,".
I blinked my eyes open and I was already awake.

Party Invasion

At school today, we had a Teacher's Day event. As always, everyone including the sesi petang join us in the morning. Then, there were some boring crapspeeches that I skipped and some performances by a Form 6 class and this group of "yuppies". The same ones that I had mentioned in Casual Yuppies of Gapor. Ugh! I feel so menyampah watching those yuppies and their stage act. I mean, they upstage every other people with their incompetence in performance. If they need a gig, might as well do it somewhere else. In school, their stage act has nothing to do with Teacher's Day.
Anyway, my class did this so-called "feast". It was such a let down 'cuz the whole thing didn't live up to the standards of a Form 4 class. Just then, the yuppies invaded our class. Though I hate despise them, they put up a fucking awesome party craze. Our class was the loudest 'cuz they turned up the amp they brought in. I can't describe how wild and crazy it was. I'd post the videos I took earlier but there was no sound. So shitty...

Dear, ... How Are You?

Dear Arine,
Dear Natasha,
Dear Avie,
Dear Harrison,

How are all of you? I hope each of you are doing better than I am and are striving to achieve your long-term goal. I'd send this to all of you but I don't have your snail mail address.
I really miss each and everyone of you, truly. I miss having every one of you playing a part in my life to keep me balanced. Each and everyone of you are my inspiration and motivation in life. I thank you all for that. I couldn't have any better inspirations and motivators in my life. Thank you for being my super-awesome-amazing-funny best friends.
I could never find any better friends than all of you. Thank you. You are dearly missed.

Sincerely,

Emma

a glimpse of you

I couldn't believe Harrison was at school earlier. Still couldn't believe he was there for the Form 6. Still couldn't believe I saw him there. But... I didn't feel...anything. Still, it felt nice to "unintentionally" touch his cheek to get him to notice me in front of him. Hehe~ he was surprised and his cheeks were soft and squishy. He looked cute; like a chubby teddy.
I wish...I could touch his cheek one more time, caressing it 'till I was satisfied.

Semester Exams

Up until now, exams sucks... English II and BM II paper aren't what I had expected. I thought I had to write a 300 word essay or something like the formats before. Instead, they were structural questions I'm not used to. I mean, my suck-ish teachers only "taught" literature. Which is super-BORING!!! I couldn't even finish answering the shitty paper.
Speaking of shit, my Chemistry II paper literally smelled like shit. At least the questions wasn't full of shit. Just headaches... Still, I was able to answer the whole thing (except for one question).